Ask Dating Coach Erika: Are there questions I can ask early to know if someone's for me long-term?
As a dating coach, I get a lot of questions along the lines of, "Are there questions I can ask early to know if someone's for me long-term?" Or the more blunt, "How can I tell early if I'm about to waste my time?" (For starters, that attitude isn't helping.)
I'd like to explain an analogy I use called Chicken Nugget Theory.
What is Chicken Nugget Theory?
You get home after a long day. You're very hungry. You have frozen chicken nuggets in your freezer (maybe dinosaur-shaped … who could say?). You could microwave those chicken nuggets; they will be done in two minutes, and they will be a serviceable meal. Satisfying? Not particularly. They'll be soggy. And probably not evenly cooked. You might burn your tongue. But you know what? You ate. It got the job done.
If, instead, you put your chicken nuggets in the oven, the toaster, or the air fryer (which I wish I had the counter space for!), it'll take longer, yes. But when those dino babies come out after 20 minutes, they're cooked evenly, they're crispy and golden brown, and you're going to feel much more satisfied. It was worth the wait.
While it may feel like a bit of delayed gratification, it also feels like an investment in your dinner … and maybe your happiness.
The same is true in dating. So many people try to ask premature questions about the person they just met, like "What's your communication style? What's your love language? What's your level of emotional maturity? What's your readiness for a relationship?" I got tired just reading those!
The only true way to know someone's communication style is to observe them actually communicating - with you, with friends, with coworkers, etc. And, of course, you'll know if they're ready for a relationship by the way they treat you-their investment of time and energy in getting to know you, and the words they use in the process. Even if someone gives the perfect (whatever that means to you) responses to those premature questions, that doesn't mean those behaviors will be borne out in real life. And in the process of trying not to "waste time," you may actually scare the other person away with the intense, interview-like questions. It's generally not worth it.
Ultimately, even if the relationship doesn't go the distance, it often takes time to discover, and I don't think you'll ever regret putting in the necessary time to discern whether someone should take a larger place in your life, especially someone as important as a potential life partner.
I often wonder, as it relates to the outcome, if you think the other person, the person you're dating, has all the answers. I often hear, "I have to know what they're thinking long-term." And this is often why people want to lock in a relationship early, for the perceived stability.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the other person doesn't know either. The person you're dating doesn't have the entire book already written, just withholding the last page from you. You're co-authoring this book, and the only way to write the book is to date someone in the present and to write it together. So there is no flipping forward to the last page … because the last page has not yet been written. I know that leaves us with some uncertainty. There is a lot of uncertainty in life, but it's also empowering to know that you control the outcome, too.
Just like you shouldn't microwave chicken nuggets, you also can't microwave a relationship.
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This story was originally published April 22, 2026 at 4:19 AM.