Natalia Naman Temesgen: Learning how to listen

I hope everyone had a healthy, happy Thanksgiving.

With the holiday, the Ferguson decision and these resurfaced Cosby allegations, I've been in the middle of many impassioned, opinionated conversations lately. More often than not, they've involved people talking their views at others, rejecting comments that oppose their own opinions and changing the subject when things get tense. Listening doesn't seem to be a priority.

Listening is not just hearing. At its core, listening is empathizing. To empathize means to both understand and share the feelings of another person. Empathy is at the root of sympathy (perceiving and reacting to another's stress) and compassion (sympathy that motivates a desire to help another in need). Obviously, empathy is an important skill for a loving, thriving community to possess.

Being an empathetic listener is not so easy, though.

When I've heard opinions that stand directly at odds with mine, especially on topics that are currently very emotional for me, I've failed at being a good listener. I'll either defend my point until it feels we've reached an unspoken "truce" or start to mentally disengage, while going through the motions of conversation for politeness' sake. It's unfortunate, because it means that I'm speaking and hearing but barely communicating.

What's the point of discussing the tough topics if no one is listening?

I know I talk about theater a lot, but bear with me as I do so once more. One of the most transformative aspects of theater-making requires the practice of empathy. For example, a playwright must inhabit the mind and emotion of each character in the play in order to know what he or she would do next, why he or she would do it, and how he or she might react to doing it. An actor must inhabit the emotions of the character he or she is playing, in order to understand the role and play it with a level of authenticity.

Does that mean an actor playing a murderer must internalize that character's emotional life to the point that he or she now wants to murder? God forbid! It is possible to empathize with someone's feelings without making them your own.

Empathy allows for healing. We wouldn't be so desperate for harsh sentences or so prone to violence (physical or emotional), if we could get those who hurt us to genuinely listen to our hurt and, in so doing, affirm our worth.

I want to be a better listener. I want to be less afraid to walk through the feelings of others, even if it hurts or offends my own perspective. I don't have to take those feelings and make them my own, but if I can share them, even briefly, I have succeeded in humanizing them.

That is big. If we hope to be a nation with less violence, suffering and divisiveness, we must learn to listen to each other with boldness, patience and love.

-- Natalia Naman Temesgen is an independent correspondent. Contact her at nataliadian1@gmail.com or on Twitter@cafeaulazy.

This story was originally published November 29, 2014 at 5:37 PM with the headline "Natalia Naman Temesgen: Learning how to listen."