Changing for love can be risky
We have entered wedding season, and by the same token many couples are celebrating anniversaries lately.
When I reflect on what I notice in successful marriages, regardless of length, I think of a line I heard in a play once: “It’s not love if someone has to change.”
A character spoke that line to his girlfriend after she asked him to step out of his comfort zone and be more vulnerable with her.
“I am who I am because it’s who I’ve always been,” he said.
“Then, let our love grow you into someone new,” she replied.
And then he delivered that line above: “It’s not love if someone has to change.”
Needless to say, the relationship ended shortly after.
I’ve heard that sentiment expressed often. Sometimes by characters in movies, friends who are frustrated by their relationship struggle, and even most recently on the radio. Driving to work the other day, the morning radio host was discussing the best way to approach dating.
His co-host was explaining that while she expected to be single forever, she is now in her 30s realizing she may be open to dating again. She had a few adages that everyone agreed with, one being: “Never lose who you were when you first met. If after a few months you’ve changed, the relationship isn’t for you.”
I agree with the general sentiment behind this statement. I think it intends to steer people away from getting tied up with destructive personality types. There are certainly people in this world that get involved in relationships just to cut someone down and boost themselves up. But when you are thinking about a serious commitment, you might want to avoid this type of advice.
First off — people change, period. Single people. Married people. Teenagers. Elderly people. No matter race, religion or socioeconomic status, everyone experiences significant inward change over the course of his or her life. We change for our jobs, our children, ourselves — we shouldn’t bristle at the idea of changing for our partners.
That said, both partners should be open and willing to change in order to have a long and healthy relationship. There is something lazy at best, dangerous at worst, with saying, “We are this way, because it’s how we’ve always been.” If people and situations change, we must be open to adapting our relationships along with that.
But even in a committed relationship in which both people are open to change, it can still feel risky. Sometimes you have to be the one to change first. Sometimes you have to make a sacrifice. That is not bad. That is relationship building. That is foundational. That can be the road to a long, rewarding marriage.
Natalia Naman Temesgen is an independent contractor. Contact her at nntemesgen@gmail.com.
This story was originally published June 3, 2016 at 6:15 PM with the headline "Changing for love can be risky."