For goodness snakes, I’ve had enough of y’all

My last house had neighbors to the left, the right, behind us and across the street. Despite that, and despite the fact that our next-door neighbors had a cat who thought its duty was to rid the subdivision of all living creatures, we still encountered a snake every now and then. Usually, it was a rattlesnake, so they would have to meet a fairly gruesome, Negan-ish death.

Now, we live in a new subdivision, but we have woods to the left, right and behind us. Across the street is a field. We no longer have the problem of encountering a snake every now and then. No, now we run across them all the time.

Sometimes, it’s a rattlesnake. But we’ve also run across a copperhead, kingsnakes, garter snakes and various nonpoisonous black snakes. It’s like CJ’s Snake Emporium:

“Whatever snake you’re looking for, we’ve got it down here at CJ’s Snake Emporium! And if we ain’t got it, we’ll get it!”

Now, I’ve never been a fan of snakes, but I’m starting to get used to either killing them or shooing them away. The nonpoisonous ones get a shoo, while the poisonous ones get a shovel.

I used to be part of the club of folks who thought that the only good snake is a dead snake, but now I cut the nonpoisonous ones some slack. I can’t always identify a nonpoisonous snake by its common name — such as the South Georgia Red-Ringed Piney Mouse Chewer — but I can generally tell if it’s dangerous or not.

My wife, meanwhile, can identify snakes by their scientific name — such as “$@#&! Snakitus.” Apparently $@#&! is a common scientific name for snakes because my wife screams it, very scientifically, every time she sees a snake.

Now that we’re well into fall, it seems to me that snakes ought to be thinking about hibernating or at least talking to some reptilian real estate agents about some nice places to rent during the upcoming winter. Unfortunately, snakes apparently don’t use calendars. And because Georgia now has only two seasons (50 weeks of summer and two weeks of winter) snakes may not even get around to hibernating this year. I know how they feel — it’s hard to get a nap in these days, especially with my wife screaming “$@#&!” every few minutes.

I’ve had a few close encounters with snakes over the years. The worst was while kayaking at Lake Oliver when I was trying to get out of the sun and into the shade along the bank. So was a water moccasin. Like me, he must’ve enjoyed kayaking because he decided to make a leap for it and landed on the bow. Fortunately, he immediately realized he had no arms for paddling, so he gave it up. If he’d have landed inside the cockpit with me, he actually would get to own the kayak. That’s not my rule — I think it’s a Georgia Department of Natural Reptiles rule. And I’m OK with that one.

My closest encounters, though, have been at Oxbow Meadows with that crazy Reptile Fest. I don’t mind those gigantic snakes that lie around, but the problem out there was all the kids running around with little snakes in their arms. I kept feeling the draft of kids running past and a little slap of a snake against my arm.

Of course, I’m sure the snakes were no fan of it, either. Thank goodness they can’t work a shovel.

This story was originally published October 31, 2016 at 9:12 PM with the headline "For goodness snakes, I’ve had enough of y’all."