Now that the 2016 election is over, we should all move on to more important debates — like Roll Tide or War Eagle, paper or plastic, Wilma or Betty.
Donald Trump is the president of the United States. Some folks didn’t think it was realistic for a reality TV star to make such a leap, but they didn’t think it was possible for a B-movie actor from California or a peanut farmer from Georgia to do it, either. Obviously, anything is possible.
So, like it or not, it’s time to move forward. One of President Trump’s first tasks will be to gold-plate everything in the White House and expand the place so that it doesn’t feel like a quaint little shack to Melania. But even before the Trumps move in, the president-elect needs to select his Cabinet.
A lot of the expected names are being bandied about — like Newt, Rudy, Fresh and Fruity — but I think Mr. Trump should consider some other options, alternatives that are more consistent with his candidacy. Specifically, he should fill his entire Cabinet with other reality TV stars. Now, the last “reality” show I watched religiously was the news with Walter Cronkite, so I don’t know any Real Housewives or even the last American Idol. But I do have a few ideas. For instance:
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Howie Mandell from “Deal Or No Deal”. America’s economy is basically just blindly guessing what’s in the next case, right? “OK, let’s open case No. 9! Oh, sorry, you picked Massive Spike in Gasoline Prices After Someone Tripped Over a Bucket of Fuel in North Alabama. Better luck next time!”
SECRETARY OF STATE
I nominate Anthony Bourdain. This guy travels all over the world. He’s used to eating weird stuff. Of course, he looks drunk all the time; maybe that helps. (I couldn’t do it, although I did once eat mystery meat on a stick that some 10-year-old sold me on the side of a dirt road in an African village.) Being able to stomach food around the world is the top priority for the Secretary of State.
Obviously, the choice here is clear — Chuck Norris. What? You think Chuck Norris is more of an actor than a reality TV guy? He’s clearly been himself in all those Total Gym infomercials. And if you want to tell Chuck Norris he ain’t qualified for this, well, good luck to you.
HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT
A lot of folks might pick Chip and Joanna Gaines, but I’m going with Pete Nelson from “Treehouse Masters.” We’re running out of space, and we might have more if folks lived in trees. It also might be the only way to survive sea-level rise.
How about Dog the Bounty Hunter? I know it’s been a few years since he chased anyone down, and he’s put on so much weight that folks have been calling him Dog the Donut Hunter. But he could lose weight chasing down the criminals just on Wall Street alone.
How about Paul Teutul Sr. from “Orange County Choppers”? Mass transit might fall by the wayside, but we sure would look a lot cooler.
HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES
Dr. Michael Ho. Perhaps you don’t know Dr. Ho, but he pitches some kind of colon cleanse on an infomercial called, seriously, “Do You Poop Enough?” I DVR this every night, although I haven’t noticed much difference show to show. However, if there’s anything America needs after this election season, it’s a good cleanse.
Connect with Chris Johnson at kudzukid.com.