Chris Johnson: Public television gives HBO the bird

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Recently it was announced that "Sesame Street" is moving to HBO. Yes, the premium network that has bought you such groundbreaking child's fare as "True Blood," "Sex and the City" and "Taxicab Confessions" is bringing muppets back for the first time since "Fraggle Rock" was destroyed by a 1987 earthquake.

Granted, I may not be the best person to comment as to whether or not this is a positive because I've cut my "Sesame Street" viewing down to about eight episodes a year. I always considered myself an "Electric Company" kind of guy. But I feel obligated to offer insight on this move because I recently got my hands on the script for the very first episode coming to HBO. (I've got connections in Hollywood as my fourth cousin Ernie on my mama's side rooms with a guy who knows the 12th most sought after gaffer in all of Tinsel Town.)

The script definitely shows an edgier "Sesame Street." For instance well, never mind -- I'll just let you have a sneak preview of the actual script:

SESAME STREET: Debut HBO Episode

OPENING SHOT: Camera follows Monte Carlo as it creeps along street while new "Sesame Street" theme song by Lil' Jon, set to tune of "Shots" plays. "Street, street, street, street, street, street, street, street, street, street, street, street, street, street, street, street, everybody!" The car stops and window rolls down to reveal new human character, G-Dawg, played by Samuel L. Jackson, who encounters muppet Zoe.

G-DAWG: "Yo, &%#$!, can you tell how the %$# "You're on it! Did you know I can spell my name?"

G-DAWG: "Did you know I can spell DOA? I'm looking for my cousin Gordon."

TELLY: "Gordon? The science teacher?"

G-DAWG: "Um, yeah. He's supposed to have a, uh, science experiment ready for me."

ELMO: "He means meth! Elmo loves meth!"

G-DAWG: "Yeah, I can tell 'cause you ain't got no teeth."

COUNT: "Did somebody say math? I love math!"

G-DAWG: "Now, who the %$#@! are you?! Arrgh!" (Count sinks teeth into neck of G-Dawg, who falls out of car and bleeds to death all over Sesame Street, saving millions of dollars by writing Samuel L. Jackson out of series.)

COUNT: That's ONE! One dead guy!"

GROVER: Actually, it's three dead guys! They just found Bert and Ernie's bodies behind Hooper's Store. Apparently it was a lovers' quarrel! Something to do with pigeons.

OSCAR: I knew it! Didn't I tell you freakin' idiots?

BIG BIRD: Everybody shut up! Nobody tells nobody nuttin' without my permission! This is MY street. By the way, now that we're on HBO, can I show my Snuffleupagus?

ROSITA: No! Ugh, I think I'm gonna hurl my cookies!

COOKIE MONSTER: Cookies!! Ugh, these not look like cookies! Not smell like cookies, either! These no cookies!

END ACT ONE

With 35 episodes on HBO instead of just 18 on public television, expect your kids to get almost twice the education as before -- and to learn a lot of new words.

Connect with Chris Johnson at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting, Twitter @kudzukid88 or kudzukid88@gmail.com.

This story was originally published August 22, 2015 at 8:41 PM with the headline "Chris Johnson: Public television gives HBO the bird ."