Chris Johnson

National debt is way high. But we can sell the Dakotas. Or maybe cut Canada’s grass

America’s national debt is now about $22.5 trillion. It’s quite the whopping number. It’s like double what my wife spends at Amazon each month. Thank goodness my credit card company accidentally set my credit limit at $20 trillion. If they’d have examined my finances a little more closely, I might have been given a $200 credit limit.

National debt clocks spin so quickly now that you can barely even see the last few numbers. It looks that same way when I step on a scale these days. I can’t tell if I’m weighing myself or playing the slots. (I weighed two cherries and a banana today.) The debt has grown so much that it is now 110 percent of our GDP — the largest such ratio since World War II.

But this is today’s America where debt doesn’t matter. No one seems to care that we’re back to running trillion-dollar deficits. I think no one cares because debt is one of those things you can’t really see — like radiation, clean air or Trump’s tax returns. It does make you wonder: If we won’t rein in deficits during a Great Recession or during the “greatest economy ever,” exactly when will we do do it?

Well, I shouldn’t say no one cares. I care. Your great-grandchildren who haven’t even been born yet care because it’s their problem and they just might slap you around when they get here for letting this get out of hand. And politicians pretend to care. Fiscal responsibility is a great campaign platform, but the concept vanishes after election.

Because I care, I want to ensure that Lizard Lick Towing doesn’t show up someday soon to repossess America. I know that sounds impractical, but I’m pretty sure the country will come loose if you just latch on to our trailer hitch, Florida. Or is it Maine?

Therefore, I have come up with a few solutions for the country to help it raise some cash:

Sell the Dakotas. I know folks ask why we need two Dakotas, but I want to know why we need either. We can move Mount Rushmore down to Nebraska, Kansas or some other state we’re not using right now.

Charge Americans one dollar for every cigarette butt they throw on the street, sidewalk, beach or anywhere on the ground or in the water. We’d have the debt paid off in eight years, which is exactly what Trump said he would do back in 2016. Again, fiscal responsibility is an empty promise from either side.

Call those folks on the billboard who say they’ll buy your house. Tell them we’ve got 1.5 million vacant ones in the U.S. We could sell a million of them and house America’s half-million homeless folks in the rest.

Institute a $100 fine for everyone in Georgia who says in September, “They say it’s gonna snow this winter.”

Institute a $100 fine for anyone who gets cold and says, “What global warming?”

We could mow Canada’s grass.

When the president is on one of his golf trips, put White House bedrooms on Airbnb — in other words, like every weekend.

We could all get together and donate our plasma. Somebody’s gotta make those TV screens.

America could sell its hair. Trump alone might be able to quell the deficit. Me, not so much.

Play daily fantasy football and use the winnings to buy lottery tickets that we invest in Bitcoin and then cash out to purchase gold.

Have Mexico pay for it.

Or, we could raise taxes on the super-rich, cut spending and … oh, never mind.

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