When it comes to the U.S. economy, I'm a centrist who supports reasonable spending cuts and common-sense levels of taxation that lead to a steady reduction in the national debt while streamlining needed government programs in lieu of destroying them.
Which means that when it comes to the U.S. economy, NO ONE is on my side.
Or so I thought. But then I heard about the so-called Buffett Rule. Unfortunately, very few people understand The Buffett Rule or its many layers. While many so-called economists insist The Buffett Rule could not totally fix our economic woes and merely sets the stage for implementation of a tax system in which the wealthy shoulder a heavier share of the tax burden while slipping through fewer loopholes, I see it differently.
I think The Buffett Rule could fix everything by itself. Just think, The Buffett Rule itself is named for a man who has made such brilliant economic observations as "Therapy is extremely expensive; popping bubble wrap is radically cheap." See what I mean. So, let's dive deeper into The Buffett Rule and how it can fix the economy in one fun fell swoop.
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At a 2007 Buffett concert in Atlanta, I got busted by the Margaritaville Police who wrote me a ticket for not wearing a lei and not having a drink in my hand. I was given the choice between paying a fine or going to Wicked Wanda's RV for an upside-down tequila shot. I paid the fine, which went to charity, but it could have easily gone to the federal government, which is now kind of a charity case in itself. Under The Buffett Rule, all collections by the Margaritaville Police go directly to the government.
You don't think such collections could conquer the national debt? Ha! You just showed how very little you know about economics. Dufus. With the following fines, you could erase the debt in this year alone:
$2 - For every Parrothead who refers to Buffett as Jimmy, as if they know him personally. I'm pretty sure Jimmy would approve.
$1 - For every inch of shirtless man-belly that sags over a grass hula skirt. This could erase the budget deficit just at this year's June concert in Atlanta. Where I'll be, of course. Shirtless in a grass skirt highly possible.
$5 - For every dog dressed in Hawaiian doggie shirts, grass skirts or sunglasses. You'd be amazed how many people do this, and I'm amazed at how the dogs wear more clothes than the Parrotheads tailgating before Buffett shows.
Of course, those are just minor fines associated with The Buffett Rule. The cornerstone of the plan is the Portable Toilet Alternative or PTA. If you've ever been to a Buffett concert, especially in Atlanta, especially in June, you know that each portable toilet becomes a gruesome 167-degree urine sauna after a long day of tailgating, just before the concert begins.
My poor buddy Killswitch found this out one year when he entered one of these plastic boxes out of desperation. Unfortunately for him, his brother decided to push on it and rock it while Killswitch was in there, creating a cacophony of splashing sounds and curse words.
"%#$@!" Killswitch yelled, and that's an exact quote. "This thing's full!"
I assume he meant the portable toilet.
But this situation has spawned an industry in the parking lot. People now bring their own portable toilets and charge other fans for the right to use them. Just imagine if the government offered such a pay alternative with the amount of drinks and urine flowing outside a Buffett show. Who better to handle the task? America's failed two-party political system has proven itself extremely proficient at helping things go down the toilet.
We may have finally found something the government can handle. Better to flush that than our future!
Chris Johnson is an independent correspondent. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org