Chris Johnson

A hot bath followed by a zombie apocalypse

Whenever I need advice about how to handle hordes of zombies, I go to my stepson, who has this entire zombie thing figured out. The kid has read more books about zombies than I've read books, period.

Of course, kids, reading is totally overrated. Don't buy all that stuff about how it makes you smarter. Ditch the newspaper and go read a blog or some e-mailed political propaganda that must be true. You might be dumber and more ignorant for it, but at least you won't waste all that time using your brain.

But I digress. My stepson has read all about these zombie folks. How to avoid them. The whole double-tap thing. How you just need to be faster and in better shape than the nearest person to you.

I never thought I'd need advice about how to handle zombies until this whole bath salts thing reared its very ugly, disgusting head. I thought I'd have to worry about alien abductions and vampires long before zombies became an issue, but that was before some dude in Florida went chewing on a homeless man's face. For 18 minutes!

Now, I must admit that I've actually used bath salts before, but I didn't have the urge to chew on anybody's face, be they homeless or Norah Jones. The most impact I got out of these bath salts was pruny skin. I did hijack a busload of nuns after spending time with Mr. Bubble, but that's a whole 'nother column. This is about bath salts. Oh, and zombies.

I just don't understand what drug could make you feel the urge to eat on some good ol' homeless nose and eyeballs. I thought the worst thing you'd ever get an appetite for is Cool Ranch Doritos. I mean, regular Doritos are great, but Cool Ranch is just nasty. I'd rather have Homeless Nose Doritos.

But I'm finally listening to my stepson Ryan's admonishments to be ready for the zombie apocalypse because it appears to be spreading. And when the zombies come looking to chew on my face, I want to be ready to turn them away.

Essentially, you can watch the movie "Zombieland" and learn all the official zombie apocalypse rules. And you get to see the best actress in Hollywood, Emma Stone, in action. That's not some sexist thing because it also has the best actor in Hollywood, Woody Harrelson, in it. That's the thing about zombies: They demand top-notch talent. Anyway, the movie is essentially a documentary about how to handle zombies in the event of, well, what's going on now. Plus, all the theme park scenes were filmed down at Valdosta's Wild Adventures, which I've been to a hundred times.

The number one rule you need to remember, though, is the "double-tap." This goes well beyond "Zombieland" and is accepted worldwide as the ultimate zombie defense. Shoot them twice, in the head. I'm a little paranoid when zombies try to chew on my face (like once a week), so I prefer the triple-tap.

I don't want to be an alarmist, though. It could be this whole zombie apocalypse thing is overstated. And the dangers of bath salts are probably overstated, as well. But next time Granny says she's going to soak in a hot bath, I'd at least make a mental note of where the ammo is.

Chris Johnson is an independent correspondent. Follow him at