Chris Johnson

Chris Johnson: Three aggravations discovered at the beach

Our most recent vacation took us to Daytona Beach, Florida -- a place I've rediscovered in the past few years after having spent most of the past couple of decades beaching at either Georgia's Golden Isles or Florida's Gulf Coast.

But I've found Daytona to be quite reasonable and to have better waves and water. Even at 44, I spend more time on my son's Boogie Board than he does.

No matter which beach I hit, though, I've found myself agreeing with the adage that "there's no such thing as a bad day at the beach." However, on this most recent trip, some folks were determined to put that to the test. Meet three of them.

Laser pointer guy: Across the street from our hotel was one of the billion beach shops selling beach toys and apparel and enticing you with such signs as "Come see our turtles!" or "Lose a finger to our live gator!" And the one across the street from us advertised "green laser pointers."

Laser pointers are often used for such innocuous tasks as directing attention to important items in a presentation or scorching your cousin's eyeball. However, nuts at our hotel were using them to point at people on the beach and at airplanes flying low overhead, which is a federal crime. Other times, they'd simply make laser doodles on the hotel walls. They'd do this for several minutes and longer than it would take for a cat to go, "OK, I'm bored with this now."

Unfortunately, I could never get close enough to the pointer people to share my feelings and fists with them. Even more unfortunately, I missed out on $10,000 -- which is how much the FBI is offering right now for those who turn in suspects who aim laser pointers at aircraft.

Butt sharers: Cigarette butts, that is. We skimped a little on the hotel this time. We won't do that again, though, because we've found that the cheaper the hotel, the more likely smokers are to leave their butts on the grounds and beach around it.

Some folks are Christian, some Jewish, some Muslim, and I'm a Parrothead. To a Parrothead, a beach is a holy shrine. To see these trashy folks illegally litter such a holy site is utterly disgusting.

But this is America, and in Amer

ica you are allowed to drop cigarette butts on roads, sidewalks, parks and beaches with impunity -- even though it is illegal. Wouldn't it be nice if just a few days a year we could take a break from the ineffective, counter-productive War on Drugs and make examples out of some of these selfish, trashy butt-droppers?

Whitey: I have nothing against white people. Some of my best friends are white. Some folks -- who've seen me dance or play basketball -- even insinuate that I'm white.

But I've never seen such a collection of scary-looking white folks in my life, not even at my first Hank Jr./Lynyrd Skynyrd concert. Every single one of the black folks, Hispanic folks and Asian folks I saw at the beach were all normal, decent-looking people. But most of the white folks I saw at the beach -- including the butt-droppers and laser-pointers -- looked like zombies from "The Walking Dead," only dirtier and with less charm.

If I'd have wanted to be around that many scary-looking white folks, I wouldn't have gone to the beach.

I'd have gone to a family reunion.

-- Connect with Chris Johnson at or on Twitter @kudzukid88.