This just in -- a new study suggests that everything you eat or drink or inhale is actually bad for you, even if you were told over and over by your mother, doctor and the Koch brothers that it was either perfectly safe or good for you.
The study was conducted by me, which means that, for once, when a politician claims "the science is still out on that subject," he may actually be correct.
Over and over, I've heard things that for years I was told were bad for me actually might have some health benefits -- including wine, coffee, beer, marijuana and chocolate (the dark kind, at least). That's why I'm out here on the back porch having a big glass of Hershey's new Folgers pinot grigio with Cheech and Chong.
And then things I was told were good for you such as frozen yogurt, diet drinks, protein bars, trail mix and onions might actually kill you. OK, not onions, but I'd like to get the rumor started so that folks quit putting them in everything and ruining perfectly good dishes. If anyone asks you for evidence that onions can kill you, just tell them "I seen it on them Internets." The science might still be out on onions, too.
The latest thing to join the list of once-healthy items now on the naughty list is milk. Apparently, the only thing dairy cows are actually good for is selling Chick-fil-A sandwiches.
And, to think, I always had such admiration for the first guy to drink milk from a cow. No, that's not sexist to assume a guy was the first human to drink milk from a cow. Only a man would look at a cow and think, "Well, I am thirsty, and that calf is not using all four of those teats." It was either a really thirsty guy or a caveman filming his buddy's "Hey, y'all, watch this" moment for a prehistoric YouTube video.
In case you missed it, the British Medical Journal (which I receive monthly along with my Andy Griffith Show Fan Club Newsletter) reported on a study of more than 100,000 people in Sweden over periods of 20 to 30 years. The milk drinkers were more likely to die from heart disease and cancer, while women milk drinkers also suffered more overall bone fractures and hip fractures.
The study found that the only cool thing about milk was seeing it come out of someone's nose while laughing at the breakfast table. (Note, seeing chocolate milk or strawberry-flavored milk coming out of someone's nose was significantly less cool.)
In the newspaper business, you see a lot of stories move across the wires, but you don't have room for them all. But let me give you a summary of the stories you will see weekly:
Something is hailed as a possible breakthrough in the Mideast peace process, as if peace is ever possible there.
A report comes out showing amazing numbers for the U.S. economy, and whatever political party is not in charge has to explain why the good numbers are actually bad.
And scientists discover something else that gives you cancer. (In a related story, there is a groundbreaking new potential cure for cancer or diabetes that you will never hear about again because there's no profit in curing diseases.)
So, I say if you like milk, keep drinking it. If you like beer and wine and coffee, have at it. If you love onions, um, just keep your distance. As Woody Allen once said, "You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."
Yes, we're all gonna die someday, and as Joe Jackson once sang, "Everything gives you cancer." Still, I'm trying to strike that balance between a reasonably healthy lifestyle and enjoying the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
And, someday, when the doctor tells me I've got six months to live, I'm going to eat myself to death in three.
-- Connect with Chris Johnson at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting or on Twitter @kudzukid88.