Chris Johnson

Chris Johnson: Wouldn't be nice if Black Friday didn't happen?

Do you have enough stuff? If not, you're in luck because you can get all kinds of stuff -- often at a discount -- this coming Friday, also known as Black Friday, also known as Get Trampled To Death At Stuff-Mart Day.

Every year, retailers pull out all the stops to get people through their doors on Black Friday with $69 televisions that go on sale at 3 a.m. and the first 30 people who crush grandmothers on their way through the door getting a free pen.

Don't get me wrong -- I like stuff. I actually have some stuff at my house. I'm just not getting up early or fighting hordes of people to get more stuff or to buy stuff for other folks. My life doesn't revolve around things, though. I'd rather die with a treasure trove of memories and experiences than a long list of stuff.

But Black Friday is now considered integral to the Christmas season, right? I sure hope Jesus doesn't come back on Black Friday because he just might get run over if he tries to address folks outside one of our stores.

"We love you, Jesus, and we know your birthday is coming up and all, but these TVs are 69 freakin' dollars! Get outta the way! Ain't nobody got time for you right now!"

Wouldn't it be nice if no one showed up at stores on Black Friday until at least 10 a.m. so that they wouldn't encourage all this early morning shopping rage ever again?

Wouldn't it be nice if, just once, all the stuff we bought for the holidays was stuff just for kids?

Wouldn't it be nice if, just once, we took all the money that we usually spend on adults who don't need things and used it to help people who do have real needs?

Wouldn't it be nice if, just once, while the kids were seeing what Santa brought, adults were opening letters from each other titled, "What you mean to me"? (Or would you prefer that ceramic chicken Aunt Ethel put under the tree for you?)

Wouldn't it be nice if, just once, television commercials weren't exacerbating America's materialism at the holidays with ads about diamond rings and luxury cars as Christmas gifts?

Wouldn't it be nice if, just once, we could just sit around on Black Friday and actually watch the calories we consumed on Thanksgiving literally turn to fat on our bellies?

Wouldn't it be nice if, just once, some frazzled retail worker earning an inadequate minimum wage at their second job would not get yelled at by a materialistic shopper because this year's hottest new toy sold out in one hour?

Wouldn't if be nice if, just once, those same retail workers could spend a few more hours enjoying time with their families rather than cutting it short so that they can get to work for their employers' ridiculously early "door-buster" opening?

Wouldn't it be nice if, just once, we could all spend time around Thanksgiving and even the Friday afterward, being grateful for all the stuff we do have and not pining for the stuff we don't have or feeling inadequate because our cousin who married the hedge fund manager has so much more stuff?

And wouldn't it be nice if all that could happen more than just once?

Connect with Chris Johnson at or on Twitter @kudzukid88.