Chris Johnson

Chris Johnson: Welcome to Hoosier Harry's Holy Hamburgers

Hello, and welcome to Hoosier Harry's Holy Hamburgers, the best biblical burger joint in all of Indiana! We're glad to see you! In fact, we're glad to see just about anybody willing to spend money in Indiana since we passed that "religious freedom" law. Can I show you to your

Wait a minute! What kind of shoes are those, sir? Barker Black Ostrich Cap Toe? I don't even know what that is. I'm gonna have to ask you a question, sir, and I need you to be honest: How many pairs of shoes do you own? Did you say 57? I have four! You're not straight! Get out of here! Next!

Hi! A table for wait a minute! Sir, I appreciate that your t-shirt has a picture of Kirk Cameron on it, but this is clearly a cotton/polyester blend and therefore violates biblical principles because it mixes two different threads. Where? Leviticus, of course! It's a favorite for hypocrites who like to pick and choose verses from the Bible. What do you mean, "Judge not lest ye be judged?" I've never heard of such foolishness. Next!

Now, this is more like it! Welcome, folks! It's so nice to see a family here, a real American family -- a mother, father, son and daughter, 100 percent cotton shirts. Wait a minute! Parents, your children are arguing. Now they're talking back to you. Oh my goodness, they are swearing. Such disobedience! I can seat you and your wife, sir, but I'll need you to stone your children to death first. Yes, the stoning section is on the patio to your right, next to the smoking section. Thank you. Next!

Hello, sir! Glad to see you and your son here, and what ordinary shoes you have. We'll find a seat for wait a minute! Your son is blind and has a funny-looking nose. This child is blemished! No burgers for you! Next!

Hello, sir! May I wait a minute! Did you hear that fellow over there? The one who just suggested that we are intolerant and perhaps they should abandon our religion or -- oh dear -- forgo religion entirely. Here, take this. No, we're not using these buzzers to let you know your table is ready; we simply have run out of stones, and I need you to kill that guy. Then we'll talk about getting you a table. Next!

May I help you, sir? Yes, that smoke does smell good. No, that's not our burgers; that's the daughter of Father Jones. Promiscuous gal. We're just burning her at the stake as directed in Deuteronomy. What? Ruined your appetite? Yes, we have other items on the menu. Shrimp? Shrimp?! Abomination! Away with you! Next!

Yes? Of course, we have a military discount and wait a minute! Is your hair closely cropped on the sides of your head? I don't care if that's the way they do it in the Army, for it is strictly forbidden. Retreat, sir, retreat! Next!

OK, Mr. Smith, I think we have a table available wait a minute! You live across the street from me. Today is Monday, you know. Well, yesterday I saw you gathering sticks in your yard. See that nice couple over there on the patio stoning their children to death? Please tell them you're on deck. Next!

Another family but it looks like there must be a Harry Potter festival at the kids library. Folks, if you'll just take your little wizard to the patio, I'd appreciate it.

Well, finally. Hello, sir. Shaggy hair and 100 percent cotton shirt that reads "God hates gays & shrimp." Of course, we can find you a table. Oops, sorry sir. It's now 1:31, and we're no longer serving lunch. But come back later. Dinner starts at 5 p.m.

Gives us time to clean up the patio.

Connect with Chris Johnson at or on Twitter @kudzukid88.