Forget the jail jokes: Freshman orientation at UGA is bigger and better

Here we go again, I thought.

It was Monday morning in the grand hall of the Tate Student Center, where for the second time in three years I was starting parent orientation at the University of Georgia.

Two years ago, Bess and I were attending with our daughter. Today we were attending with the oldest of our three sons.

A university official wearing a spiffy suit was welcoming us to campus with a slide presentation.

“We don’t have detention,” he said, and clicked to his next slide.

“We have jail!”

The parents laughed. I groaned. Two years ago, it seemed like nearly every presenter made a joke about freshmen going to jail. One of them even told parents that their children would almost certainly get arrested during their first year on campus.

I looked at my son sitting next to me. He was wearing sandals, a T-shirt containing the bombing plan from Desert Storm, and a ball cap we gave him 10 years ago that used to be white.

Maybe fashion jail.

A friend of mine who was a Georgia Tech dad told me that during orientation at Tech they tell parents that their children will probably make at least one D their first year on campus.

Not get arrested.

But that’s where the jail jokes ended.

For the rest of this orientation session at UGA, not a single person mentioned the “J” word. Sure, there were warnings about binge drinking and fake I.D.s and the theoretical link between alcohol and failing to maintain a 3.0 GPA and keep your HOPE scholarship.

But most of the messages centered around the things my son would learn and the people he would meet and the positive ways his life would change.

This can happen at any university, of course, but it was nice to hear so many people saying that it was going to happen here.

Which meant that our child might enjoy himself so much he’d forget to call home.

But we were given this little remedy for that: Mail your child a card on which you’ve written a little note saying how much you love and miss him, and also that you hope he’ll enjoy the enclosed check for $250.

But don’t send the check. He’ll call home.

Here was some other great advice given to parents: Buy your child a subscription to your hometown newspaper.

That’s what my parents did for me in 1986.

Today, 30 years later, you could opt for a digital-only subscription. But you should definitely do it.

We got a piece of great news: Laundry is now free in UGA dorms.

Switching the subject to things that definitely aren’t free, we also saw a great video advertising the meal plan. Apparently, there’s no link between losing HOPE and frequenting the following bars: the taco bar, the pasta bar and the build-your-own burger bar.

You’ll find all these at the nearest UGA dining hall. Everything looked delicious.

And for $2,000 a semester, it had better be. You put your hand in a scanner, walk inside and eat whatever you want as many times as you want.

My daughter’s freshman year, when she had the full meal plan, she’d call and say she’d just gone out to dinner with friends and I’d reply, “It had better been at the dining hall.”

With my son, who was an offensive linemen in high school, I won’t worry about getting our money’s worth. While his sister started her mornings with coffee and a bagel chip, he’ll be getting a six-egg omelet, a sausage burrito, scattered and covered and smothered hashbrowns from the hashbrown bar, and a Reese’s Cup milkshake.

Here’s hoping the dining hall’s still in business when my next son gets there in two years.

This story was originally published July 15, 2016 at 8:40 PM with the headline "Forget the jail jokes: Freshman orientation at UGA is bigger and better."