How to move your kid into the freshman dorm

So how do you move your kid into the freshman dorm? Well, have at least two kids. You might screw it up the first time, but you’ll learn a lot and do a great job the second time around.

At least, that’s how it worked for me and Bess.

On Sunday, we took our oldest son to the University of Georgia, and the whole process went incredibly smoothly.

That’s because, two years ago, we’d gone through the same process with our daughter, and we’d learned the following:

• Schedule one of the last move-in times of the day. The most pushy, stressed-out parents will show up earlier in the day, and they’ll stop you on the stairs when you’re carrying that box of dumbbells to ask if you know the square footage of the rooms or the speed of the in-dorm internet. But because we had a 4:30 p.m. move-in appointment, those folks were long gone by the time we got there. And if nobody’s moving in after your child, you can take your time.

• Be psychologically prepared for four flights of stairs. Somehow, the odds that your child will be living on the top floor of a four-story dorm are much greater than one in four.

• Set up the beds before you start lugging stuff up four flights of stairs. At UGA, you can adjust the beds to loft level and put your futon and refrigerator underneath. And when you stagger into your child’s room with a gigantic box, you don’t have to search for a place to drop it.

• Bring your rubber mallet to adjust the beds.

• Buy or borrow a rubber mallet if you don’t have one.

• Don’t forget extension cords.

• And don’t forget a clean shirt to change into before dinner, because after a dozen trips up four flights of stairs, you’re going to be a sweaty wreck. Maybe bring a towel, too.

Another thing that made it easier: This time we were moving a boy.

He had far less clothes, shoes and accessories.

He also had no potted plants, throw pillows or whimsical sculptures.

(By the way, we were moving him into Boggs Hall. Click here if you want to see how beautiful and roomy it is.)

While his sister brought half a dozen boxes of novels, art books and poetry, Robert narrowed it down to his favorite book, “The Biggest Bear.” To his credit, it’s 84 pages, which is pretty long for a picture book.

The farewell was easier too. I didn’t cry when I left my daughter on the UGA campus, but I sure felt like it. She told us how much she loved us and we hugged her a lot.

This time around, it seemed natural to leave without much drama. I did feel the need to dispense some random, last-second advice about avoiding illegal behavior.

You know, like using a hot plate.

Many years ago in my own freshman dorm, I habitually used a hot plate. It came in handy when I had only a few minutes between classes; I’d fire up a little frying pan and grill a couple of hot dogs.

But using an open flame was strongly prohibited, so I’d first have to draw the curtains and lock the door. This suspicious behavior was not lost on my fellow dorm dwellers.

One day I was leaving the dorm in my ROTC uniform, and a guy down the hall named Smoking Dave said, “Hey, they’re not going to drug-test you, are they?”

“I hope not,” I said, making a joke. I was probably the most squeaky-clean guy on the floor. I mean, we called this guy Smoking Dave!

That’s when it dawned on me that the other guys had seen hot-dog smoke pouring out of the vent in my door and thought it was something else.

So I told my son that story, and he laughed.

“Well, see you later,” he said.

“You bet,” I said.

And that was that. Two down, two to go.

At least, it seems like it’s getting easier.

This story was originally published August 12, 2016 at 2:59 PM with the headline "How to move your kid into the freshman dorm."