Vote before the wieners run out

We’ve got to get this election done before we run out of wiener puns.

They were hot Friday, when the FBI tied Hillary Clinton to the Anthony Weiner sexting scandal the same day the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was in town and footlong hotdogs were on sale at the fair.

It was a trifecta, three wieners at once, more than most people can handle. And oh, the pun we had. Hot dog! We laughed our buns off! With relish!

Someone’s going to get grilled over this! To be frank, the voters will be boiling! Which slaw firm is it, Tater, Totts & Sauss? She’s in a pickle now! She’s going to fry! Let the chips fall where they may!

We were punning so fast it was hard to ketchup. And not everyone was amused. Some gave us a chili reception.

The few jokes we have left just don’t cut the mustard, so this election needs to end, before we resort to saying we need to take a Wikileak.

Another reason this needs to end is it’s just so distracting, with these candidates flying all over the country holding rallies. That’s got to be snarling traffic. Imagine the 911 calls:

“Nine-one-one. What’s your emergency?”

“I’m passing the stadium taking my kids home from school, and there’s a big orange clown terrorizing thousands of people in it!”

“That’s a Donald Trump rally, ma’am.”

“Oh @#$%!” she curses before shouting at her kids: “Roll your windows up! NOW!”

Or it could go like this:

“Nine-one-one. What’s your emergency?”

“A caravan of armed men in sunglasses is guarding someone in a black SUV at the airport, and I think it’s a criminal mastermind!”

“That’s Hillary Clinton, ma’am.”

“Yeah, I know. So are you going to arrest her or what?”

Trick or treat

Today is Halloween, as if Americans weren’t scared enough with these clowns prowling around, and it’s the last Monday of the last week of early voting 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. at Columbus’ Citizens Service Center, 3111 Citizens Way.

Befitting this election, one of the best times to vote is happy hour, 5 to 7 p.m., when lately no lines have formed. Maybe people don’t have the free time they used to, at day’s end. Or maybe it doesn’t end anymore.

Some people prefer to vote on Election Day, but they should note that Daylight Savings Time ends this weekend, so it’s going to get dark an hour earlier. Plus voting early can be a big relief, psychologically, like you breathe easier, your heartbeat slows, and your focus improves.

Then all that’s left to dread is Election Night, which could be long. All night long, maybe, like midnight-coffee-and-doughnuts long, followed by a daybreak nap before starting all over again with the follow-up and the reaction, and the acid indigestion and the 3 p.m. dozing off face-down on a computer keyboard that drool shorts out.

At the current rate, Columbus could have more than 31,000 early votes to count, besides the Election Day turnout. Plus it has two write-in candidates, and some of those ballots will have to be reviewed to determine voter intent, should names be incomplete or handwriting questionable on mail-in absentees.

So an all-nighter may follow an early sundown. Until then, this election’s not going to end, but you can end your part of it now, by voting early.

If you wait until Election Day and wind up voting in the dark, don’t get steamed. You probably have a lot on your plate.

Just try to ketchup.

This story was originally published October 30, 2016 at 3:47 PM with the headline "Vote before the wieners run out."