Tim Chitwood

Enough election analysis already

I should have left town for Thanksgiving, and gone to the wilderness to get away from politics.

That seems the only way to dodge our unending post-election analysis, which is inescapable wherever electronic media reigns, especially on TV.

You can try changing the channel, but it doesn’t help, because the pointless commentary’s everywhere. Even cable networks that have nothing to do with politics seem to fit the same narrative.

Flip through the channels, and they blur together. Like maybe the first thing you hear is a news anchor say:

“Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions ...”

Click.

“… was born the son of poor black sharecroppers in rural Pike County, near Troy,” says a narrator on public television, “where he learned early in his childhood that …”

Click.

“Donald Trump is just the sort of political outsider America needs at this troubled point in it history,” says a Fox News pundit, “and we are truly fortunate that…”

Click.

“… Hillary Clinton finally is getting the respect she deserves,” says a woman on MSNBC, “and she should be …”

Click.

“… in prison,” says a alt-right commentator, “because if her criminal enterprise is allowed to continue, then one day all we’ll have left is …”

Click.

“ … two potatoes, a pearl onion and a cup of olive oil,” says the host of a Food Network cooking contest. “Chefs, you have 30 minutes to …”

Click.

“ … turn this country around!” Donald Trump shouts at a summer campaign rally, “and make it a place where …”

Click.

“ … the door locks in each room were salvaged from the loading mechanisms of vintage bolt-action rifles,” says a home-improvement show, “and every toilet comes with its very own …”

Click.

“ … rabid badger frothing at the mouth,” says a nature documentary. “Deranged from the effects of this incurable disease, the dying beast lunges at …”

Click.

“ … Vice-President-elect Mike Pence,” says a news anchor, “who attended the musical ‘Hamilton,’ where after the show, the entire cast came out …”

Click.

“ … of the closet,” says the home-improvement show, “where an old wooden gun cabinet has been refinished for a rustic tie rack. And instead of coat hangers, shirts and pants are …”

Click.

“ … soaked in blood,” says a CNN war correspondent. “Human rights observers say the situation is critical. Today one approached our camera crew and asked …”

Click.

“ … Have you or a loved one suffered complications from using a blood thinner?” asks a law firm ad. “If you or someone you know has in the past five years taken …”

Click.

“ … time to consider the benefits of a reverse mortgage,” says a washed-up actor on a reverse-mortgage ad. “Why not have the bank pay you for your home while you live in it? Call for this free brochure, so like millions of others you can enjoy …”

Click.

“… a fascist regime akin to that of Italian strongman Benito Mussolini,” says a liberal provocateur, “who at the peak of his power once said …”

Click.

“ … I can take a bossy mouth,” mutters Briscoe Darling on an “Andy Griffith Show” rerun, “but I ain’t about to be beat to death with no …”

Click.

“ … portobello mushroom marinated in Worcestershire sauce,” says a cooking show host. “Now we saute that in a nonstick pan until …”

Click.

“ … Donald Trump takes office in January,” says a news anchor.

Until then, the only TV I’m going to watch is Netflix. Maybe I’ll try one of its dramatic series.

I hear “House of Cards” is pretty good.

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