Reserve your survival bunker now

If you’ve not started making your disaster survival plans yet, you’d better get with it.

The first thing you’re going to need is a bunker, and if you want to buy into one of those high-end underground survival condos, you need to make reservations now, before they’re all gone.

The first one Survival Condos built in an old Atlas missile silo already sold out, and the second one under construction is going fast.

Why are people buying survival condos?

Well … you know, the usual fears: disease, famine, nuclear war, riots, the complete collapse of Western society, climate change, Donald Trump, etc.

Some add the “zombie apocalypse,” but that’s just paranoid.

Dead things that don’t produce energy can’t move around, so that’s silly. But that doesn’t mean live people won’t get some brain virus that makes them insanely homicidal. It doesn’t take much, you know.

My bet would be a pandemic worse than the one in 1918, a “slate-wiper,” as they call it. It would overwhelm public health in no time, choke the hospitals and infect the medical staff and emergency responders.

Then we Americans would respond as we always do now during a crisis: By finding someone to blame. We would have fake news reports that the virus is just a liberal conspiracy to launch a big-government vaccine and quarantine program to round everyone up and take their guns, and then armed anti-vaccinators would attack supply vehicles, roll them over, set them afire, and burn suspected witches on the flames. And pretty soon the whole darn country would go straight to the incinerator in a barf bag.

From what I’ve heard of the rich folks buying luxury bunkers, they’re fretting more about the complete collapse of society, theorizing that when Americans no longer share a common belief in basic institutions, the whole system falls apart.

Yeah, I know: You’d think they could find something more frightening to flee – Kim Jong-un, Vladimir Putin, whoever’s running China, terrorists, Donald Trump, etc.

Survival Condos at survivalcondos.com says you can get a two-level, 3600-square-foot penthouse unit for around $4.5 million; a 1,840-square-foot single-level “full-floor” unit for $3 million; or a 920-square-foot half-floor unit for $1.5 million.

“We also have the capability to customize an entire silo complex for a single buyer,” it says. “A finished complex can have anywhere from 50,000 square feet up to 300,000 square feet. Contact us for available locations and pricing.”

A survival condo for the super rich is no bare-bones Civil Defense cellar with cots and candles and canned food. It offers “luxury living space” that includes “a community swimming pool, dog walking park, rock climbing wall, theater, general store and an aquaponic farm, among other features, all of which are underground and encompassed by walls that are 2.5-9 feet thick.”

That’s because the walls were built during the last Cold War (not this one) to withstand a nearby nuclear blast.

Survival Condos is not your only option in used nuclear launch facilities.

Take http://www.silohome.com/, for example, which offers to build the bunker your way:

“From the 2,300 square foot 2 level underground living area (LCC) and the silo tube's extra 12,000 square feet for storage or future expansion, the possibilities are endless…. Use the 12,000 square foot silo tube to create an underground apartment complex with 10 or more studio style living spaces. Use the Launch Control Center (LCC) for dining, entertainment or just congregating.”

Building your own missile-silo bunker might be the safer option, so you can pick the people you’ll be living with.

Survival Condos requires a functional society even if society collapses because it’s dysfunctional. Owners must form an “extended family” in which everyone works together for “group security, operation and maintenance of the facility, new daily functions for education, cross training, aquaponic farming, medical support, and as many other tasks as possible.”

That’s not going to work, you know. Pretty soon they’ll be sleeping with other people’s spouses, arguing over condo rules and shooting each other over petty insults.

Just like they do now.

This story was originally published January 29, 2017 at 5:09 PM with the headline "Reserve your survival bunker now."