Rat snakes make up for lazy fat cats

We live in an uncertain world, where international movements and environmental uncertainties lie hidden in our path like snakes in the grass.

That’s why we have to focus on the threats that truly could strike out and bite us, such as snakes in the grass.

Wait, that does not sound sufficiently alarming. What I mean to say is:

SNAKES!

Copperheads! Cottonmouths! Diamondbacks! Razorbacks! Blue heelers! Black slippers! Red sonyas! Greeneyed ladies!

They’re everywhere: Coiled in the flower pot. Sunning by the pool. Hiding in the closet. Hanging from the shower rod. Freaking people out on Facebook.

“ALERT: Huge Increase In Snake Bites In 2017 For This Reason” read the headline on a Facebook post from Right News, “Breaking News Without the Liberal Bias.”

You won’t hear about an increase in snake bites from the liberal media, you know. Those snowflakes love snakes.

“Snakes play a vital role in our ecosystem,” they say.

“Snakes eat rats, reducing the risk of parasitic diseases,” they say.

“Snakes sold off their hockey stuff, so I got a Cottonmouths goalie mask to wear to parties next Halloween,” they say.

The fact is, snakes are dangerous, so next time those hippies dance barefoot at the drum circle…. Wait, I mean, SOME snakes are dangerous, and others, such as rat snakes, are purely a benefit to our rodent-infested neighborhoods.

The dangerous snakes, of course, are venomous, so it’s important to know how which ones those are:

They’re the ones that kill you.

OK, maybe you won’t die, if you get bit. So remember this: If you get bit on the leg or arm and the limb swells up like a balloon and you start vomiting and sweating and can’t breathe or see, then the snake that bit you was venomous, and you should have left it alone.

Here in the hot and steamy South, we have a lot of snakes. Huge snakes. Tremendous snakes. Nobody has better snakes than we do.

But telling them apart can be hard, so you have to get off Facebook and Google some details, like a cottonmouth’s eyes have elliptical pupils, and it has a pointed snout with pits, whereas a water snake has round pupils and a blunted snout.

So if you’re not sure whether it’s a water snake or a water moccasin, stick your face down there really close to it so you can see its eyes and snout.

Also a cottonmouth’s head is fat and triangular, on a skinny neck. And its neck and tail tip might be the only skinny parts, because some are thick as pipes.

Rattlesnakes can get ropey, too. When I was learning to ride a horse, a trainer leading a trail ride out West warned everyone to stay on the trail, because rattlesnakes were piled in the brush. Some rattled as we passed.

Not wanting to startle the horses, I did not yell at the trainer, “You know I’m LEARNING to ride a horse, right? Like if this horse throws me again, I’d rather not land in a @#$%ING PILE OF RATTLESNAKES!”

I can see being scared of snakes, but some people are so scared of snakes they try to kill every one they see. That’s a bad idea, because something’s got to eat rats, and frankly I don’t see any cats around here pulling that load, not even the feral ones.

Check the pictures of pet cats on Facebook: Are they ever holding dead rats? No, they’re not. They’re making comical leave-me-alone faces and sleeping on the laundry.

We need snakes, so unless you identify a venomous snake endangering people, pets or livestock, you needn’t get close to it at all, if you don’t sneak up on each other.

Try to kill every snake you see, and you could go get bit.

This story was originally published May 21, 2017 at 1:47 PM with the headline "Rat snakes make up for lazy fat cats."