Send your elected leaders an auto-reply

Representatives are standing by, because it’s Monday Mail.

Kindest regards

Today we have an email about last week’s column on the incivility so prevalent in politics today.

But first, this news.

Not really

“But first, this news” is what broadcast anchors say while plugging upcoming reports, like this: “Coming up, a local man shoots his cat thinking it’s a burglar; flesh-eating bacteria has been found in your drinking water; and world leaders condemn North Korea’s mailing the White House a suspicious package with a fake return address. But first, this news….”

This is not news, but a reminder that we’re still having a critical blood shortage, this summer — not that you can tell from the way your blood pressure soars watching the news — so all eligible donors are asked to report to the dance floor. Or the donor center. Or wherever a blood drive’s being held.

I missed one the sheriff had at the Government Center. It occurred to me then that having a blood drive at a 1970s building in a post-9/11 environment is not so welcoming, now that outsiders have to go through security downstairs and empty their pockets and get scanned for metal.

After that, a visitor might get a little defensive answering those personal Red Cross screening questions. Like the nurse might ask, “Have you ever had sex with another man?” And the donor might snap, “I don’t know. Why don’t you have the deputy downstairs wave that beeping wand over my crotch again and see what that tells you?”

Do not reply

In last Monday’s column about the incivility so prevalent in politics today — which research links to a sudden uptick in party polarization, sound-bite journalism and ignorant jerks on Facebook — an elected leader’s “do not reply” email to a constituent was quoted.

That prompted this message:

Today's column was most appropriate. I spent yesterday afternoon writing our two senators asking that they keep Affordable Care. I asked they please consider what will happen to hospitals in small towns if they cut funding. I also wrote a second email because you can't have two subjects in one email asking them to protect our democracy from Trump because he does not believe in freedom of the press or the sanctity of the secret ballot. I expect storm troopers at the door any day. I need to write another on the importance of women's health which I know will be ignored just like the first two but at least when my 36-year-old daughter calls frantic about the political situation I can say I am trying to make it better. Actually the only solution I see is a giant asteroid. Hope it hits sooner rather than later.

Sincerely,

Gail N.,

Columbus.

Dear Gail:

Perhaps an asteroid no longer is necessary.

Voters should make up their own form letters to send in response to elected officials’ auto-replies, like this:

Dear sir and/or madam,

Thank you for the impersonal auto-reply you sent in response to my carefully crafted letter expressing my legitimate concerns. It is always good to hear from an elected leader paid taxpayer money to represent his most generous donors.

As you and your colleagues work to advance an agenda that will benefit the lives of all Americans in your caste, we wish you well in resolving the crucial issues facing America today, such as health care, the economy, climate change, infrastructure deterioration, North Korea, Syria, China, Russia and CNN.

If we may be of assistance in a future election year, please don’t hesitate to call on us, perhaps by whistling, or ringing a little bell, or snapping your fingers in the air, or however you summon the help these days.

Please tell your zealots, cronies, gadflies and hangers-on the rest of us say hey.

This story was originally published July 9, 2017 at 7:40 PM with the headline "Send your elected leaders an auto-reply."