Trying to parody the president’s Boy Scout speech

People say the president is impossible to parody, but every now and then he goes on a tear like his speech to the Boy Scouts, and it’s just irresistible:

I’m thrilled to be here today with all you Boy Scouts. Thrilled. Look at you. There must be 30 million of you here, which is like how much I won the popular vote by, but you won’t hear that on the fake news media.

Tonight I’m going to put politics aside, like all through my speech I will say something aside about politics if I’m not talking about politics already like I am now.

I am proud to be standing here today as your president, because if I were not, then it would be crooked Hillary. And she can’t even BE a Boy Scout, right, so how is that possible? Why isn’t a special prosecutor investigating that?

OK. OK. This is not about politics. This is about Boy Scouts, and their core principles, such as being trustworthy, and loyal, and obedient, definitely obedient, and possibly “reverent,” too. Because if you’re not, you know what? You’re gone. You’re out of here.

Let me tell you a story about values: I know this guy who got really rich. … Well, not as rich as me, ha ha! Am I right? But he did OK. So what does he do? He buys a yacht, which is a like a big boat. Huge boat. Tremendous boat. Not a little canoe like you losers paddle at camp.

And let me tell you, that boat had hot babes bow to stern. And an amazing captain’s suite. Amazing. I could tell you stories, but you’re Boy Scouts, so I’ll tweet some later. Let’s just say that if that yacht was rockin’, your personal assistant did not jet-ski a’knockin’.

But was he happy? No. No he wasn’t. How can anyone be happy when the lying media won’t admit I won the popular vote and had the largest inaugural crowd in human history? They can’t.

And that’s why we are here today. Because of you kids. You’re why we’re going to turn the Washington swamp into a cesspool and drain it into the ocean like a sewer.

And what about Barack Obama? You don’t see him here, do you? Or crooked Hillary? No. You don’t. But you do see my Health and Human Services secretary, Tom Price.

He’s a Boy Scout. That’s why he’s loyal. Right, Tom? Are you going to get the votes on health care? He’d better get the votes, kids. If he doesn’t get the votes, you know what I’m going to say? I’m going to say, “Tom, you’re fired! Jeff Sessions, too! And that other guy! What’s his name! Prince Fleabus! You’re all fired! Now get the hell off my golf course!”

Ha ha! I’m just kidding. Just kidding. I kid people. Putin said always act like you’re joking when you threaten people right before they die.

Like the lying media, right? You kids know who I’m talking about, the failing pile of garbage New York Times, and CNN, and ABC and CBS and NBC and CNBC and CSI.

Some of them are here today, and you can tell because they’re not in uniform like you, and they’re way outnumbered, by the way, if you’d like to gang up on them and strangle them with your neckerchiefs and post it on YouTube so I can tweet it.

They’re not going to show the big crowd that’s here today, just like on election night when they said we couldn’t win, and we won. They forgot about the forgotten people. Well, they’re not going to forget about the forgotten people anymore because the forgotten people won’t forget about being forgotten.

And we’re going to start saying “Merry Christmas” again, like right now, OK? So, good night, good luck, and Merry Christmas!

This story was originally published July 30, 2017 at 7:27 PM with the headline "Trying to parody the president’s Boy Scout speech."