Don’t freak out over every hill of beans

You know the problem with you people is you’re always freaking out.

Donald Trump splits a tweet so it sounds like we’re going to war and you freak out. North Korea launches a missile and you freak out. An ice shelf the size of Iowa breaks off Antarctica and you freak out.

You can’t live like this, you know. There’s no scale to it: If you’re always freaking out, then the things you really should freak out about get lost in the noise.

You need some perspective. And some focus. And probably less caffeine.

You need to think about what really matters, and quit obsessing over all your privileged first-world problems. It’s not like you’re starving, you know.

For example, the other day I hadn’t had anything to eat, because I was really busy and skipped breakfast and lunch. So I finally got a break around 4 p.m., and I was trying to drive to Country’s on Broad to get a b9g salad with chopped beef and pork and extra ranch dressing and a sweet tea, but I couldn’t make the lights on Broadway because someone in a fancy sports car was in front of me, going like 5 mph.

Obviously, this person was just showing off his car. He wasn’t on his cell phone. He wasn’t looking for a parking space. He wasn’t trying to get anywhere. He was just showing off.

And that’s OK. A car is all some people are worth, you know, so bless their hearts.

Anyway, I was starving, so I cut over to First Avenue, and somehow, even without some guy showing off his sole value in front of me, I immediately got caught in a chain of red lights, like every light turned red right before I got to it.

So then it took even longer to get to Country’s to get a big salad, which by the way did not have any boiled egg on it.

Which is not a big deal, I mean. When you think about all the problems we have in America and all over the world today, my big salad’s having no boiled egg is nothing. It doesn’t amount to a hill of beans, Humphrey Bogart might say. I don’t know why a hill of beans is some sort of measure. No one orders the big salad with a hill of beans. Or maybe they do, I don’t know.

Anyway, I’m just saying that the big salad used to come with boiled egg on it. Maybe that’s not trendy now. Maybe that’s just too much fat and cholesterol, after the pile of meat and tub of dressing and bucket of crackers and quart of sweet tea.

I don’t know. I’m just saying that you people really need to get your heads straight and quit going nuts every two seconds. Like you need to practice “mindfulness,” whatever the hell that means, and look at the big picture.

Like, for example, everything is not about you, so you need to quit fixating on your little needling complaints and shut the heck up and think about other people.

By the way, the Miracle Riders return to downtown Friday and Country’s Midnight Express will be Aug. 26 on Mercury Drive, so if you think you can just cruise through all that traffic to either restaurant get a big salad or a pile of meat or a hill of beans, forget it. You’ll starve.

But that is not the point. The point is that you just can’t freak out over every little thing now. Make your life a daily crisis, and you’ll just wear yourself out.

So, remember that, as summer slides toward fall, and this crazy year finally starts to run out: You can’t enjoy life if you’re always in a panic. Try to focus on what’s right, and not what’s wrong.

You know, I’m not sure I got any cheese on my big salad either.

Next time I’m taking a picture.

This story was originally published August 6, 2017 at 6:29 PM with the headline "Don’t freak out over every hill of beans."