This year, Tim Chitwood’s April Fool’s column is about Stormy Daniels and fake news

The Federal Bureau of Investigation in a news conference late Sunday confirmed what many already had suspected:

The whole “60 Minutes” Stormy Daniels interview was totally fake news.

“Our investigation has revealed there is no ‘Stormy Daniels,’” said whoever the acting FBI director that hasn’t been fired yet is. “After a thorough review of pornographic films, photographs, and adult fiction, including the entire ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ series, we have determined that almost all of the characters are entirely fictional.”

Agents tracked them down and checked them off, one by one, and came to the same conclusion each time, he said:

“Not only is there no ‘Stormy Daniels,’ there’s no ‘Charity Bangs,’ no ‘Ginger Vitis,’ no ‘Rocky Balboner,’ no ‘Fanny Deep,’ no ‘Kelly Lingus,’ no ‘John Cutesack,’ no ‘Anita Softwood,’ no ‘Lucy Lips,’ no ‘Ben Dover,’ no ‘Cherry Poppins,’ no ‘Throbbin Hood,’ no ‘Vadgelina Holie,’ no ‘Jack Reacher,’ and no ‘Iron Man.’”

Only a few loose ends were yet to be tied up, he added:

“We still have leads on a ‘Buck Naked,’ who reportedly was both a porn star and a joke the character ‘George Costanza’ made in an episode of the 1990s sit-com ‘Seinfeld.’ So we’re going to take a two-pronged approach and double-team that one.”

He said investigators also got a tip on a “Bob Stigwood,” but it did not pan out.

“That turned out to be Robert Stigwood, the producer noted in the opening credits to the 1970s disco movie ‘Saturday Night Fever,’ specifically the scene in which John Travolta struts down the street to the Bee Gees song ‘Stayin’ Alive.’ We looked into that, and discovered that for some reason, ‘Saturday Night Fever’ is not considered to be obscene, so technically, it is not a pornographic movie.”

He laughed wryly: “We’re still shaking our heads over that one,” he said, shaking his head.

Agents were suspicious of the whole “Stormy Daniels” upheaval from the get-go, as the whole idea of a president having sex with a porn star seemed absurd, he said.

“It’s not like Bill Clinton is still president, so we don’t know why people keep hammering on that. I mean, come on: This is a porn star. It’s not like she’s an intern or a security officer or a model or just someone he met in an airport.”

Agents probing the adult film industry uncovered other falsehoods, he said:

“After repeatedly examining hours of pornographic material, we determined that not only are the characters nonexistent, the plot lines are ridiculous,” he said.

“First of all, a mistress and wife competing for the same man do not rip their clothes off in a catfight right before he walks in and joins them,” he said, winking at an aide.

“And second, acquaintances on a whim do not copulate just because they happen to encounter each other at a casual-dress social event before they doff their sundresses, blazers, button-downs and khakis in a hot tub off the veranda.”

He denied the investigation was just an attempt to curry favor with the current president.

“This is not about who’s on top at any given point,” he said. “The FBI has seen a lot of leaders come and go.”

The endeavor cost the agency dearly, he added: “This investigation included an internal affairs component that led to hundreds of agent dismissals for conduct unbecoming – violations such as using interstate telecommunications to transmit inappropriate jokes, GIFS, memes and satirical graphic novels. Several were disciplined for charging online Pornhub Premium subscriptions to their government credit cards, even though we told them we would buy only one for the big-screen on the wall in the break room. And then one agent gave a live TV interview.”

That agent wasn’t authorized to speak with the media, he said: “All press releases go through our public affairs officer, Tanya Hide.”

This story was originally published April 1, 2018 at 3:29 PM with the headline "This year, Tim Chitwood’s April Fool’s column is about Stormy Daniels and fake news."