Have another exciting ‘Southern Weekday’ in downtown Columbus!

If you have not seen “The Southern Weekend” travel show episode on Columbus, you should check it out.

I’ve watched it twice, and it’s something to see. The host is guided to several downtown attractions she raves about. It’s great publicity, so great it merits a parody titled “The Southern Weekday”:

The show opens with the host, a young blonde, standing on the street downtown.

“For this episode of ‘The Southern Weekday,’ we take you to historic Columbus, Georgia, for food, fun and fabulous outdoor adventure, starting with this downtown landmark!”

The camera pans back to show she’s standing at the Government Center.

“Here city official Johnson Jackson Jones joins us to offer some insight into this iconic structure,” she says, turning to a man in a white polo shirt with a “We Do Amazing” logo on it. “So, tell us about it,” she says.

“We’re going to tear it down,” he says.

She nods: “Yes, and that’s why it’s so … wait, what?”

“It’s a death trap,” he says. “I’m lucky I work in a satellite office I have a chance to escape in a fire.”

“O ... K,” she says. She turns back to the camera. Over her shoulder, a freight train is coming down Ninth Street.

“Well,” she says, “that just shows what a dynamic city Columbus is, ever evolving-”

BLAAAAAARE! The train horn drowns her out.

“Here in the 21st century to meet the needs-”

BLAAAAAAAARE!

“Future generations yet to-”

BLAAAAAAAARE!

CUT

The host stands on Broadway by the RiverCenter for the Performing Arts.

“Among the key elements of Columbus’ tourism economy are the performing arts,” she says, glancing aside, “and that’s why we’re here in front of-”

She stops, turns back to where she glanced, and freezes. Panning to follow her gaze, the camera stops on the Broadway fountain.

Spacing out her words for emphasis, she says: “What ... the hell ... is that?”

CUT

The host is standing in the 1100 block of Broadway.

“When you visit Columbus,” she says, “don’t miss the restaurants here in Uptown, where-”

A panhandler interrupts her: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

She glances aside and says, “Sir, we’re shooting a TV show.”

“Yes ma’am,” he says. “I don’t usually trouble strangers on the street, but my little sister got pregnant and the baby come due and she’s in the hospital here and-”

“Sir, we need to get back to-”

“That baby’s daddy, he ain’t comin’,” the man continues, “so I come to town to-”

“Look sir, if you just want some money, we’ll give it to you,” she interjects.

“Look after my baby sister,” he says, “and … what?”

“We’ll give you money just to leave us alone,” she says.

“You don’t want to hear the rest of the story?” he asks.

“Let me put it this way,” she says: “If you just want some booze, you can take that souvenir growler they gave us. It’s over there by the rented bicycles we pretended to ride.”

He looks to where she points, turns back and stands there, dejected.

Exasperated, she throws up her hands: “What now?”

“Well, I done worked all day on this story,” he says, “and I ain’t even got to where the baby comes.”

CUT

Standing in the 1200 block of Broadway, the host starts over:

“When you visit Columbus, don’t miss the vibrant shops and restaurants in Uptown-”

She flinches as someone races by behind her.

“STOP! THIEF!” a man yells off camera. BLAM! A gun goes off.

The host screams and ducks away, The camera pans down the street to a shopkeeper holding a pistol.

He sees the camera, smiles, and waves the smoking gun.

“Hey!” he hollers. “Did y’all get that on tape? I want some B-roll for my surveillance video.”

CUT

The host is back at the Government Center, her blond hair disheveled. She looks shell-shocked.

“Well, that about wraps up our visit to historic Columbus, Georgia,” she says, her voice wavering.

She hears police sirens, cringes and tries to finish fast: “This has been another ‘Southern Weekday,’ and we just want to thank our hosts-”

The sirens get louder. She stops and turns toward the noise. “Wow, that’s really close,” she says.

The squeal of tires joins the sirens’ wail, followed by the concussion of tires blown by spike strips and the scrape and squeal of wheel hubs grinding pavement.

“Look out!” she screams, diving onto the right of way.

The camera cuts around right before a disabled car with police cruisers on its tail comes sliding toward the viewer.

CUT

With leaves in her hair and dirt on her face, the host sits on the roadside as medics check her pulse. Flashing blue lights illuminate the background, where police are handcuffing a man in a torn tank top.

The suspect sees the camera and smiles. “Hey!” he hollers, turning sideways to try to wave with his hands cuffed behind his back.

“That’s our ‘Great Southern Weekday’ from exciting downtown Columbus, Georgia,” the traumatized host deadpans. “Be sure to tune in next time when we get stuck in traffic on the interstate in vibrant downtown Atlanta, Georgia.”

This story was originally published April 10, 2018 at 3:13 PM with the headline "Have another exciting ‘Southern Weekday’ in downtown Columbus!."