Tim Chitwood

‘Meth gators’ possible in wake of Alabama ‘attack squirrel,’ police pulling leg post online

We in the illuminati do not like to toss about loaded political terms like “fake news,” and “deep state,” and “alien implants,” and “mind control.”

But this was fake news, so we might as well toss it out there like a dead pig in a gator pit:

Police warned meth addicts that flushing their stash down the toilet during raids could lead to meth-addled alligators, because the meth goes straight down the drain to … whatever combined sewer overflow hell is feeding raw sewage to hyperactive alligators, apparently.

This “Sharknado” rip-off might have smelled fake up front, but you would not have known that from your online news feed, which straight up warned of meth gators.

It turned out the police department in Loretto, Tennessee (not Florida) was joking when it posted a Facebook message announcing a man’s methamphetamine arrest, and warning people not to flush their meth, lest that lead to meth gators downstream.

Loretto is south of Nashville, right over the Alabama line, so it was making fun of reports that a man in North Alabama had a meth-fed attack squirrel he kept in a cage, to protect his home.

This also made headlines, though any Alabamian knows a meth squirrel can’t guard your home if you leave it in the cage.

Loretto police added that any meth flushed there could be eaten by gator prey, which after a gator ate it could lead to a meth gator down in Alabama:

“Ducks, Geese, and other fowl frequent our treatment ponds and we shudder to think what one all hyped up on meth would do.”

Technically, that says police shudder to think what a goose all hyped up on meth would do, and so do I.

Meth geese are scarier than meth gators because they can fly, so like the flying monkeys in “Wizard of Oz,” they could cloud the horizon with big honking V-shaped squadrons of kamikaze meth geese.

Once the Loretto police posted a meth gator warning to Facebook, it was reported deadpan elsewhere and spread like a virus — thanks to the literal media.

Some follow up stories debunked meth gators, noting alligators wouldn’t metabolize meth like people do, so they’d have to eat an awful lot. But that didn’t get as much attention, because the last thing we need today is reality, and our popular culture cannot afford casually to cast aside a news topic as resonant as meth gators.

So imagine other meth gator postings. For example, giant invasive Burmese pythons eat Florida alligators, so if they ate meth gators, that might lead to tabloid headlines like, “JURASSIC PARK! Meth Python Prowls Disney!”

Meth gators may fit elsewhere in today’s news:

  • “Marvel Comics unleashes new superhero ‘MethGator — Because Evil Never Sleeps.’”
  • “Indy-rock duo MethGator disbands after tour bus explodes.”
  • “MethGator latest designer drug implicated in synchronized swimming scandal.”
  • “Energy drink MethGator linked to insomnia, arrhythmia, fits of rage.”

  • “‘Meth gator ate meth meth!’ drunk gator owner slurs at cops.”
  • “MethGator Waders — for when you need to reload and run because something just ate the duck and the dog. New at Dick’s!”
  • “Coming up: Master Chef Jeff ‘Meth Gator’ Baiter grills a tater later on ‘Good Morning America’!”
  • “Macon MethGators maul Savannah Cabanas in frenzied sudden-death match.”
  • “’Stranger Things’ shocker: Netflix stock ‘upside-down’ after inter-dimensional monster revealed to be meth gator.”

The point is, when it comes to “fake news” that has been debunked like a bullied kid at summer camp, we cannot leave “meth gator” lying belly up on the floor.

People should think about what they flush down the drain, because it’s way more than meth. It’s also prescription medication that alters wildlife reproductive systems.

The Earth isn’t making any new water, so whatever we put into it comes back to us, no matter how well we distill from it our own alien implants.

It can do stranger things to us, too, if we foul it up.