Have a fine time with Earl and Arlene and the ‘missed jury duty’ phone scam caller
We still hear reports of scam artists trying the old jury trick in which a caller tells you that you missed jury duty and must pay a fine, which you conveniently may pay right away, if you don’t mind divulging some personal information to a stranger over the phone.
And you actually believe authorities hunt you down for missing jury duty, and throw you in jail if you don’t pay a fine – just like all those people whose mug shots you see in “The Joint” with “Missed Jury Duty” under their names.
A while back the Muscogee County Sheriff’s Office warned some con artists have added a new twist to claims that people are subject to fines for missing grand jury duty:
Dropping the names of people who actually work at the Columbus Government Center, so the scenario sounds more legit.
You may hang up on such hooligans, if you like, but I foresee other options, if you’ve got a few minutes of the scammer’s time to waste:
When the caller mentions a real person’s name, you can launch into a stereotypical monologue akin to the delivery of a British actor playing a Southerner in a major motion picture or dramatic series, like this.
Scammer: “So, ma’am, the bottom line is, you owe $165 for missing jury duty, and if you need to confirm that, you can call Arlene at the Government Center at 706-653- ...“
You: “Oh! I know Arlene! How’s she doing? How’s that new baby of hers? I’ve known Arlene since she was just a spark in her mama’s eye!”
Scammer: “I’m with a collection agency, ma’am, so I don’t really know ... ”
You: “We told her not to marry that boy, you know. ‘Don’t you marry that boy, Arlene,’ we said, “He ain’t got no job.’ But she don’t listen.”
Scammer: “Speaking of work, we could make this a payroll deduction.”
You: “Plus he’s funny lookin’, like he’s a few decades shy of a full deck.”
Scammer: “Ma’am, please.”
You: “We told her that. ‘He’s got a mullet, Arlene,’ we said. ‘Ain’t nobody but professional wrestlers still got a mullet.’ That boy ain’t no wrestler. He don’t even got a job.”
Scammer: “You already said that.”
You: “Plus he can’t drive a car until his probation’s up. We told her that. ‘He can’t drive no car, Arlene,’ we said. “You ain’t nothing but his Yoober.’ But she don’t listen.”
Scammer: “Ma’am, I have more calls to make, and ...”
You: “And how about that dog they got? Neighbor’s chihuahua mates with a pug, and she gets a puppy.”
Scammer: “Speaking of dogs, if you could tell us the name of your first dog, or your mother’s maiden name, either could be an account security question that …”
You: “We warned her. ‘Don’t you take that dog, Arlene,’ we said, ‘That thang looks like a naked baby Yoda.’ She don’t listen.”
Scammer: “Just mention your childhood dog’s name while we’re recording this call…”
You: “The name?”
Scammer: “Yes! Your first dog’s na—”
You: “I don’t right off recall what she named that dawg.”
Scammer: “No, not that—”
You: “Let me ask Earl. HEY EARL! EARL! WHAT DID ARLENE NAME THAT DAWG!”
Earl (in distance): “What?”
You: “THAT DAWG! WHAT DID ARLENE NAME IT?”
Earl: “Who’s Earline?”
You: “NEVER MIND! He don’t know nothing.”
Scammer: “Right … So anyway, if you could just give me an account number or ...”
You: “Oh! You need a card number, don’t you?”
Scammer: “Yes!”
You: “I don’t right off recall what that number is. Let me ask Earl.”
Scammer: “No!”
You: “EARL! HEY EARL!”
You could go on and on and on, like I just did, or try an English accent, for a change.
We need more Southerners playing Brits.