Tim Chitwood: Coywolves take on PantCats

Good news for sports teams with offensive mascots: A new pet's on the prowl.

It's the coywolf, a coyote-wolf-dog hybrid born of limited mating opportunities among similar species, like the Republican Party and the Tea Party and an orange Muppet-bred Donald Trump.

Scientists say wolves ran out of mates and started trolling for coyotes in heat -- along with domesticated dogs, apparently, though probably not at the same time -- and thus a stronger, wilier coyote was born.

It can move undetected among humans, even in big cities, eating whatever's available -- trash, squirrels, small dogs, cats, more trash -- so they adapt and spread faster than fire ants.

With little pets scampering everywhere these days, it's just a matter of time before someone walking his dog has a violent run-in with a coywolf, so we in the media probably ought to go on and start freaking people out about it.

I foresee cable news reports teased with promos like "Are coywolves eating your cats?" or "Coming up after the break: Could a coywolf eat your baby? See shocking video answer that question when we stuff a doll full of chopped pork."

Once we brand the coywolf as dangerous, it can be a sports mascot.

And its already having spread to major cities along the East Coast opens a lot of arenas. Instead of the Washington Redskins, they can be the Washington Coywolves, for which fans yip and howl.

Scientists say the coywolf is bilingual in that it howls like a wolf and yips like a coyote, which probably helps with all that interbreeding.

Coywolves are larger than coyotes and smaller than wolves and about as accustomed to humans as dogs, so their bright eyes, narrow snouts and bushy tails make excellent mascot costumes.

That's assuming a high school or college chooses not to trap, cage and domesticate a live coywolf. Or breed a pair and start a pack to unleash on whoever's wearing the other team's mascot costume.

Also in recent animal news were reports that Florida is installing fences to keep its endangered panthers off the highway, where too many have been reduced to roadkill.

So, if wolves can mate with coyotes and dogs, what happens if panthers run out of partners? Can they breed with housecats? How long before we have a panther-housecat hybrid? And what will we call that? A PantCat? Catther? KittyCougar?

Whatever we call it, it could be a butt-kicking sports mascot, the kind that curls up in your lap and disembowels you.

So be on the lookout for coywolves, because they're bound to show up here soon, maybe breeding with your poodle in the backyard (coypoodle), and you never know when some sports franchise is going to need a new logo.

Also try not to run over any panthers, or cougarcats, or whatever, because we're going to need something to eat the coydogs.

Tim Chitwood, tchitwood@ledger-enquirer.com, 706-571-8508.

This story was originally published November 22, 2015 at 10:18 PM with the headline "Tim Chitwood: Coywolves take on PantCats ."