Only the Atlanta Falcons.
Only the Falcons can botch cutting their all-time leading receiver and yet have that turn out to be only the third-most embarrassing thing they did all week.
Only the Falcons can have a coach instigate a shoving match at the scouting combine and have that turn out to be only the second-most embarrassing thing they did all week.
That's because only the Falcons can make national news after said scouting combine for making homophobic comments to a prospective player.
That's a nice week's work, fellas.
So what's next? Re-hiring Jerry Glanville? Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it's irrelevant that they're the only major professional sports team that saw its franchise player go to prison for dog fighting. Or that they're the only team to have a starting player arrested for soliciting a prostitute the night before the Super Bowl. Or that they're the only team that unloaded a future Hall of Fame quarterback simply because the general manager and the head coach were fighting like a couple on Divorce Court. Or that they're the only team whose head coach quit in mid-season to take a college job and informed the players by leaving a photocopy of a note in their lockers.
Here's the chronological order in which these humiliating events of the last week unfolded, at least publicly.
Last Sunday: ESPN reported that Bryan Cox, the former combustible linebacker for the Miami Dolphins and now the Falcons' defensive line coach, pushed an Arizona Cardinals scout during player interviews at the NFL Scouting Combine in Indianapolis.
Wednesday: News leaks out that the Falcons cut Roddy White, their all-time leading receiver, to save $6 million in salary cap space. Tough call. He probably has something left to offer. But $6 million is a lot to pay someone to catch 40 passes. The merits of
the move itself can be argued either way. White's skills are declining and he has reached the age -- 35 next season -- where receivers start looking really old.
But it's how the Falcons did it. Head coach Dan Quinn called White and left him a voice mail. White was en route to Belize for vacation.
Friday morning: Former Ohio State defensive back Eli Apple was a guest on Comcast SportsNet's Breakfast On Broad and said a Falcons coach asked him if he likes men.
"It was like the first thing he asked me," Apple said. "It was weird. I was like, 'no'. He was like, 'If you're going to come to Atlanta, sometimes that's how it is around here. You're going to have to get used to it.' "
Well, at least the media stopped talking about Roddy White.
So now the Falcons are distancing themselves from this coach, who has yet to be named. Quinn had to issue a public apology.
"I am really disappointed in the question that was asked by one of our coaches," Quinn said. "I have spoken to the coach that interviewed Eli Apple and explained to him how inappropriate and unprofessional this was. I have reiterated this to the entire coaching staff and I want to apologize to Eli for this even coming up. This is not what the Atlanta Falcons are about and it is not how we are going to conduct ourselves."
Maybe the problem isn't the assistant coach. It's fair to start wondering if Quinn himself is in over his head. He hired the coaches. They report to him. So far since Quinn has taken over, we've seen Matt Ryan regress to becoming a third-tier quarterback.
The front office passed up a franchise running back in their own back yard -- that would be Georgia's Todd Gurley -- to take an undersized defensive end of questionable toughness (Vic Beasley).
They won their first five games -- in large part because the NFC East was a train wreck -- only to lose seven of their next eight to miss the playoffs.
Only the Falcons can make the Republican presidential debate look like a Mensa meeting.
With five current or former general managers on staff, only the Falcons' front office has more cooks in the kitchen than "Hell's Kitchen" and "Chopped" combined. And yet not one of them can ensure that their coaches don't go to Indianapolis and make complete fools of themselves?
Embarrassing. And yet so, so Falcons.
-- Guerry Clegg is an independent correspondent. You can write to him at firstname.lastname@example.org