Column: Santa Claus runs into problems Christmas Eve

You may have thought that the War on Christmas was over now that we can all say “Merry Christmas” again. However, there appear to have been some unintended consequences of recent Trump administration policies.

For instance, I just got hold of an official U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement report from an encounter they will have on Christmas Eve. Yes, that’s how efficient ICE is today — they can issue reports on incidents before they happen. I filed a Freedom of Information request and received this advance transcript of this disturbing upcoming event.

ICE: We’re going to need to see some ID and your passport please.

Santa: Sonny, I don’t have one. I’m Santa Claus. You know, Kris Kringle.

ICE: I thought you said you were Mr. Claus.

Santa: Well, some folks call me Kringle.

ICE: So you’re admitting you have an alias? What are you coming to the U.S. for?

Santa: Work. Actually, this is the only day of the year I work.

ICE: So you expect to come to the U.S. and sit around for 364 days a year. Not sure that fits our new merit-based entry system. What’s in the bag?

Santa: Toys.

ICE: Hey, Jimmy. Check this out. No labels. Where were these made, Mr. Kringle Claus?

Santa: The North Pole.

ICE: I didn’t know China had a North Pole. Confiscate these, Jimmy.

Santa: Hey, I’m delivering those to little boys and girls.

ICE: In the middle of the night? Who do you thing you are, a U.S. Senator? What’s this you’re driving anyway? What’s it run on?

Santa: It’s a flying sleigh. Runs on Christmas spirit.

ICE: I think you’re running on spirits right now. Vodka maybe? Hey, who are these tights-wearing little fellers with you?

Santa: Elves.

ICE: Do they have any skills that might be useful?

Santa: Mostly toy-making, but Hermey wants to be a dentist.

ICE: Hey, Earl, take this guy to see the boss man before he gives that big speech next month.

Hermey: The abominable snowman?

ICE: Abominable, yes, but no snowman. Hey, Kringle Claus, what’s up with the animals? You can’t bring live animals into the U.S. Hey, what’s up with that one in front? What’s that red light? Why is it blinking?

ICE: It’s a bomb, Jimmy!

ICE: Well kill it, Earl!

ICE: Bang! Bang!

ICE: No, Earl, use your gun!

ICE: Oh. Pow! Pow!

ICE: OK, Kringle Claus, turn it around and head to Canada. They’re OK with immigrants and free stuff there.

This story was originally published December 18, 2017 at 7:53 PM with the headline "Column: Santa Claus runs into problems Christmas Eve."