Give your best effort to the ones you love best, every day

When I dropped our son off at preschool this morning, I heard it again: “Your boy is just the sweetest child. Do he and his sister ever fight?” Are you kidding me? I thought. “Yes they do, but they can get along well sometimes, too.” “Well, he is just so helpful. He picks up after himself without being asked and if someone takes something he’s been playing with, he won’t even try to get it back.”

Cue the sound of my jaw hitting the floor. Or the sound of my eyeballs creaking as they roll to the back of my head. Surely, they are thinking of someone else’s kid. I mean, I know he’s a sweetheart. But cleaning up without being asked? Not fighting over toys? My three-year-old leads a double life, apparently.

And that’s not unusual. If your preschooler saves his worst for you, it is a strong indication that he trusts you and feels safe in your relationship. So this is why for months before our son was fully potty-trained at home, he was potty-trained at preschool. He’d go perfectly with his teacher, then wet his pants in the car on the way home. It’s just a way of saying, “I love you, mom.” Ha!

As much as I find this behavior frustrating, I must admit that in my own way, I do it, too. In the classroom at work, I walk in every day with a desire to succeed. I am emotionally present with students in need, and listen attentively when they are excited to share something with me. I prepare in advance and follow-up afterward. I want my students to say good things about their experience with me. I want my colleagues to see me as a valuable member of the team.

So then why don’t I bring that same energy back home after work?

With my husband, a loving and emotionally intelligent person, I feel safe. I trust him and the stability of our relationship. So, I sometimes get home and get lazy. I don’t always prepare in advance. I forget what he asked me to try to take care of just that morning. I only give half of my attention to his answer to “how was work today?” as I continue to live in my own world — perhaps hijacking the answer to vent about my day, or passively listening as I take care of some task in the background.

This sort of behavior seems ironically endearing when applied to a toddler. But with an adult, it can be genuinely hurtful. If we strive to be our best selves at work or in front of friends, but drop the ball with those we hold dearest, we’re doing it wrong. And while these deep bonds are built with strong cords, they cannot be taken for granted. They are not spun with titanium thread.

The first people that should be able to say, “Natalia is the sweetest woman,” are my husband and my kids. Here’s to giving your best effort to the ones you love best, every day.

Natalia Naman Temesgen is a playwright and professor of creative writing at Columbus State University in Columbus.