Chris Johnson: It's time for men to have a say in our weddings
Warning: The following column is probably sexist and politically incorrect because it involves what 99 percent of men think and feel. In other words, it's just wrong. Very wrong.
Dear women of America,
We men of America had our annual convention on Friday, which explains that mysterious odor of cheeseburgers and beer on his clothes. While there, in an act of massive generosity, we men have agreed to shoulder what we realize has been a great burden to you over the years -- planning and staging weddings.
It's because we care. Mainly because we care about not depleting our bank accounts or straining our backs loading and unloading things like that 500-pound ceramic swan without which the wedding would be considered a disaster. But the point is we care.
These new rules are immediately in effect now that we agreed almost unanimously -- except for Jimmy Joe Jenkins of Taterville, Idaho, who was too drunk to raise his hand -- to shoulder this burden. From this point forward:
You are not allowed to ask us questions like, "Do you think 100 yards of burlap will be enough?" We are handling ALL the decorations, and no burlap will be involved. In fact, no decorating will be involved in the decorations.
No weddings will be scheduled in conflict with the game. What game? Any game. The Falcons game. The Georgia game. The Hawks game. The World Series. The Little League World Series. The fifth-grade kickball game. You name it.
We love cake, but we are no longer spending hundreds of dollars on it. We've got a cousin who will hit Winn-Dixie on the way to the ceremony and pick one up from the bakery area. If any of you gals who write real pretty in cursive wouldn't mind writing "Congrats, y'all!" in icing on the cake, right under that little yellow critter from "Despicable Me," we'll even let you have a piece. Again, because we care.
You ladies can wear any dress you like that's already in your closet. Yes, it's suitable for the wedding. No,
you don't look fat in it.
We are not wearing a tie. Look, we're gonna put on underwear AND deodorant, so don't act like we ain't treating this seriously.
Will there be champagne? Maybe. The reception is BYOB. We personally believe when it comes to champagne, PBR is close enough.
To simplify, we've planned the menu for every wedding -- catfish, hog, burgers, brats, chili, brisket, meatballs and those little cocktail weenies. Something green? Oh, yeah. And lime Jell-O.
A shower? OK, OK, fine. We'll take one before the event.
As for the music, the DJ is free to spin any romantic ballads by Bocephus and cool dance tunes from Merle Haggard. However, as someone who spent last weekend with the world's most annoying earworm in my head after a wedding reception, I have a warning for all wedding DJs. If any song has the phrase "watch me nae-nae" in it, you'd better hope your equipment is waterproof.
Connect with Chris Johnson at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting, Twitter @kudzukid88 or kudzukid88@gmail.com.
This story was originally published October 17, 2015 at 11:13 PM with the headline "Chris Johnson: It's time for men to have a say in our weddings."