Chris Johnson: What story will our relics tell someday?

This is Lt. Xavier Xenon of the Interstellar Exploratory Agency reporting via satellite on our findings from the archaeological dig recently completed on this recently discovered planet. We believe it was once inhabited by beings very similar to us before the civilizations fizzled out a few thousand years ago. We believe this place was called Earth, or maybe Mirth.

We have surmised that the beings of this planet rendered themselves extinct by warming their planet to uninhabitable levels in a noble effort to save something called "jobs." We found documents showing that they knew they were killing themselves, but that they couldn't lose these jobs. We don't know what "jobs" are, but they must be really worth saving if you're willing to go extinct over them. Unfortunately, we can't find any remains of these beings or their jobs.

Here's an interesting little item. It's some sort of poisonous material rolled into tiny cylinders. They're all over this planet, especially beside transportation corridors and apparent walking paths. We believe they were some sort of torture device they would light on fire and use to funnel carcinogens directly into the respiratory systems of beings they apparently wanted to kill.

Now, you'll see I'm standing in front of a huge building with stained glass and all kinds of scenes of a man who appears to be doing great deeds to help others. We found numerous copies of a book throughout, but it was hard to understand. The only parts that were very clear were in printed in red. There are long benches throughout these buildings -- and in the Southern part of this land, these buildings are on just about every corner -- and we believe that based upon the red words in this book that the benches must have been used to house people without homes. There also

are kitchens where they apparently fed hungry people and coffers of some sort of currency that must have been used to try to help those without a lot of the currency or to build cool fountains, monuments and fancy offices.

What's that? Their god? Oh, we've found the god they worshiped. Behold! I give you this small, flat, rectangular device.

In our language, their deity would be called Snarhuoligm -- which in their language we believe to be "Smart Phone" or "iPhone." We are pretty sure their lives revolved around this god.

We believe this god, Smart Phone, was so powerful that it could eliminate germs and bacteria from their food as they often would point it at their meals and click a button before proceeding to eat. We believe this zapped the food with radiation and produced an image on the device when it was safe to eat.

It was very important to preserve and share this image with others, I guess so that they wouldn't worry about their nutrition. It was so important that many of them died in primitive ground transportation devices while transferring the images to others.

Whoa, that's weird! This god-like device is vibrating. Oh my god! It has sent me some sort of divine message.

I have been poked by Lester and am eligible for an upgrade. That cannot be good! I think I'll leave this thing here.

We've determined that this planet not only is no longer inhabitable but that there also is nothing worth bringing back to our own planet.

Well, except this marvelously entertaining item here. It's a little rubber sphere attached by a rubber string to this wooden paddle-like device.

When you hit it, look, it comes right back. Well, almost. See, one, two, three crap. Maybe I'll get the hang of this on the return trip. This could revolutionize life as we know it on Xzylopia.

Connect with Chris Johnson at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting, Twitter @kudzukid88 or kudzukid88@gmail.com.

This story was originally published October 31, 2015 at 10:10 PM with the headline "Chris Johnson: What story will our relics tell someday?."