Chris Johnson: Welcome to the jungle ... in the city limits
Today, I'm sitting in a third-world country on another weeklong trip to build homes for people in need. But just one week ago, I was cutting my way through the jungle.
Of course, that jungle was in the city limits of a midsize town where I hope to build my own home. This third-world country is way easier to navigate than the lot I've picked out in the city limits -- and there are way fewer skeeters here than back home, though more of them likely carry malaria.
We've found the perfect lot on which we plan to build a home. It's perfect because it has city water, sewer and utilities, but there are no humans on either side and behind it is a huge swath of beautiful, natural woods. Basically, it's a rare slice of country in the city.
I'd prefer a slice of country in the country, but my wife wants a slice of country within easy driving distance to a mall. I tried to explain that the spot I picked out in the country was within 25 minutes of Bubba Earl's Feed & Seed, but for some reason she did not see how that was virtually the same.
But even a slice of country in the city requires a little clearing before you can build. Plus, we wanted to explore what would be behind us in a wooded gully. What would be behind us, it turns out, is jungle. And there's only one way to truly see and explore all there is to see in the jungle -- napalm.
No, wait, there's also something called a machete. I grew up swinging a machete when we went camping and when we kids would pretend to be pirates and I'd have swordfights with my friends Billy and Charlie -- now known as Three-Finger Billy and One-Armed Charlie.
Machetes, though, developed a bad reputation thanks to a guy in a hockey mask who used one to hack up teenagers in a series of gruesome
murders you can learn more about in the "Friday the 13th" documentary series.
It's been a while since I've owned a machete, though, so I had to go machete shopping -- at Wal-Mart, naturally. Actually, the usual machete outlets weren't open at the time, and I figured that's one of the few places I could walk around with a machete and not seem like a weirdo.
"Yeah, I know that guy's toting a machete, but check out that lady on the scooter cart with the coonskin cap, tube top and no pants!"
Although, I did make the cashier a little nervous when made "Friday the 13th" soundtrack sounds with my mouth as I waited in line.
Of course, Jason Voorhees from the documentaries must have spent a lot of time sharpening his machete because the one I purchased couldn't slice through butter, much less vines and limbs. (That's tree limbs, by the way, just in case you were concerned.) Despite its whopping cost of $7.98, that machete didn't make the cut. It would have taken Jason six hours to get through a just one "Friday the 13th" with this machete.
So I haven't quite been able to turn into Jungle Jim and explore the woods behind my future home. But I sure would like to know if Bigfoot lives back there because I'd rather not have any big, hairy neighbors living within sight of my back porch.
I've already got one of those, and it's highly overrated.
Connect with Chris Johnson at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting, Twitter @kudzukid88 or kudzukid88@gmail.com.
This story was originally published November 28, 2015 at 12:00 AM with the headline "Chris Johnson: Welcome to the jungle ... in the city limits ."