Howdy, everybody, and thanks for coming to this here town hall. Now, I ain't no Democrat or a Republican -- I kinda like to think for myself. I reckon I'm what y'all might call an independent. But I do think the politics in these here United States could use a right good dose of small-town common sense and some Mayberry decency.
So, I'm declarin' for the presidency, and seein' as how I ain't got nobody to debate since mean ol' Ben Weaver closed down the store and Mayor Stoner had to resign after bein' caught with those fun girls from Mount Pilot -- well, I reckon I should have me one of these town halls all by myself. So, y'all got any questions?
Mr. Taylor, can you outline your economic policy?
Well, I reckon we ought not spend any money we ain't got. And I suspect there's some folks round here who could stand to be a little less greedy. Ain't no sense in a few folks hoggin' all the money.
They say you don't carry a gun -- does that mean you're against the Second Amendment?
Which part? The part where it says "well regulated"? They ain't no harm in doin' a little huntin' and doin' a little shootin', but the way some folks love their guns like they're children or somethin', that just ain't right.
Do you believe in climate change?
Well, it snowed last week, and two weeks ago it was sorta hot, so, yeah, I reckon I do. I don't know if the seas are risin' -- I'm more of a mountain fella, and by the time the ocean reached Mount Pilot, well, I reckon there wouldn't be much debate about it. Of course, this here seems like a mighty nice planet -- best one I been on -- so maybe we oughta be as nice to it as we can.
Any thoughts on the Iran deal?
Look, Ernest T. had a rock, and I didn't have my gun, so, yeah, I admit it -- I ran.
No, I mean Iran, the country.
Yeah, I ran through the country from Myers Lake, through Old Man Kelsey's Woods, all the way to the courthouse.
What are you gonna do about all the illegal aliens?
You talkin' bout that science fiction picture show down at the Mayberry Theater? I'm more into westerns myself.
No, the illegal immigrants who are taking our jobs.
You been tryin' to find a job picking peaches and cucumbers, have ya? And you say they been stealing them jobs you want? I didn't think so. Seein' as how they just workin' hard and doin' stuff we don't want to do, I reckon I'll just leave 'em be.
But what if they're bad people?
Then I'll suggest they might wanna mosey on back home. Simple as that.
Lastly, what do you think about Donald Trump?
Well, I don't rightly know him personally, and I haven't actually heard any of them there policies from him, so I'll pass on makin' a comment. Trump, that just ain't none of my business. Crump well, that's another story. I'll all in for Crump.
Visit Chris Johnson's website at kudzukid.com.