There are a few rules to follow when taking a staycation

Last week, I wrote about the final move of my life.

You remember, right? You said, “Wow, that Chris Johnson just wrote a brilliant column about moving!” And your souse responded, “No, idiot, that’s an ad for Four Men and a Broke-Down Truck. Chris’ column runs on Tuesdays now.”

Anyway, I’m now all moved in and mostly unpacked at the new house. My wife and her best friend set off a Kirkland’s bomb, and it exploded all over the walls, so it’s now decorated. Personally, I’d have probably decorated the walls with pictures of family or at least some folks I know, but, hey, I treat ducks and cows and pictures of mushrooms like family, too.

I am allowed to decorate one room — my study/retreat/avoid-honey-do-list room over the garage. I begged for the right to decorate one whole room of my new house. Fortunately, they were tired, relented and agreed they could fix it later, perhaps when I’m a whole plane ride away somewhere, like Nicaragua, Africa or Ladonia.

But I’m here now, and I’m no plane ride from home. I’m not even a bicycle ride away from home. I’m at home. And, I’m on vacation, or as the cool kids call it, staycation — also known as “how can I steal their stuff (like ducks and cows and mushrooms) while they’re on vacation if they don’t leave?”

Staycations are much cheaper than vacations, and this house is new to me, so it’s very similar to being away. Plus, my back porch overlooks a wooded hillside leading into a old hardwood forest, so it feels like I’m sipping coffee on the back porch of a mountain cabin as I enjoy the wildlife — like squirrels, deer and sasquatches. No, wait, that’s just my friend Billy from down the street. I thought it was a little weird for a sasquatch to drive a golf cart.

But there are a few rules to staycationing that you’ve got to keep in mind to make it work. Today is technically only Day 2 of my staycation, but I intend to follow these rules.

One, stay away from your work email and Facebook. I love cruising, and one of the best parts of it is putting your smart phone away for a week. You can stay home, but you nonetheless have to detach from the real world as much as possible — though I know a lot of folks who think I already detached from it a long time ago.

Two, golf. I don’t have to fight working folks to get on the golf course for a quick nine holes after work. Instead, I can hit the course early with the retirees and the executives who employ those working folks. All I’ve got to get is some ugly pants and insults about liberals. “Yeah, that lamestream media, you can’t trust ’em,” I’ll be sure to say.

“I was talking about the Sudoku in the paper.”

“I know — dang foreigners.”

Three, avoid the microwave. As hard as it is to part with my favorite Italian chef, Boyardee, you’ve got to eat like you’re sampling nice restaurants at the beach. Grill some steaks and fish. Drink some margaritas and rum drinks. Play some jazz and Jimmy Buffett. Create your own Margaritaville restaurant, with fewer tourists, better cheeseburgers and more cows on the wall.

And, lastly, talk to those other people in the house. No, not that guy — he’s just here to steal your stuff because he thought you were on vacation. I mean your family. Rehearse their names. Google where they’ve been working or going to school or serving time. If you talk to them, you might even find you kind of like them.

But, if you don’t like them, never fear. You’ve got all that tequila and rum to get you through the week.

This story was originally published October 10, 2016 at 9:36 PM with the headline "There are a few rules to follow when taking a staycation."