Here comes Bubba Claus, the original

I started writing a weekly column for the Ledger-Enquirer in 1998, and I was just a few weeks into the gig when the holidays approached and I felt obliged to write a Christmas-themed column. Only problem was that I had no idea for a column, which really isn’t that unusual as I’ve considered myself completely out of column ideas on a weekly basis for more than 20 years.

So, I slapped together a Christmas-themed column that I thought fit with my “yupneck” (half-yuppie, half-redneck) persona. I thought the column was so bad that it might be the last they ever let me turn in.

I still think it’s absolutely horrible, but someone must have liked it because there are a few hundred thousand plagiarized copies, usually slightly altered, floating around the internet. Some “writers” have even shared it as their own. I’ve even had folks over the years email me copies of the column with notes like, “sounds like something you’d like.”

“Indeed,” I’d respond. “I wrote it.”

But since golfer Bubba Watson came up with his own Bubba Claus persona, my old Bubba Claus is finally fading from search engine rankings. So, I thought I’d give the jolly old fella from the South Pole one last joyride. Here’s the original Bubba Claus column that appeared in the Ledger-Enquirer 18 years ago:

An open letter to the citizens of the Bi-City area from Santa Claus:

Dear ya’ll:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve your area on Christmas Eve. Due to recent changes in my union contract renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209, I now serve only certain areas of northern Wisconsin and west Michigan. I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.

However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with my replacement, my third cousin from the South Pole, Bubba Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but there are a few differences between us, such as:

▪ There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus, who has a gun rack in his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”

▪ Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC and pork skins on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He does dip a little snuff, though, so please have a spit can handy.

▪ Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I loaned him my reindeer one time, and Rudolph’s head now rests over Bubba’s fireplace.

▪ You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ...” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.”

▪ “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yeehaw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I heard that!”

▪ As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a decal depicting “Calvin and Hobbes” comic strip character Calvin relieving himself ... but not on a Ford or Chevy logo. His decal shows Calvin going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

▪ The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “Ernest Saves Christmas” will not be shown in your area. Instead, you’ll see some lesser-known movies about Bubba Claus made in the late 1970s. Many feature Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus, Jackie Gleason as a Grinch who says “You scumbum!” a lot and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

▪ Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. I’d turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

▪ Lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, including Elvis’ “Here Comes Santa Claus” and Madonna’s remake of “Santa Baby.” Until this year, songs about Bubba Claus have been played only on AM radio stations in Mississippi. They include such classics as Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,” David Allan Coe’s “Willie, Waylon, Bubba Claus and Me,” and Hank Williams Jr.’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You Can Kiss My Icicle.”

This story was originally published December 12, 2016 at 10:55 AM with the headline "Here comes Bubba Claus, the original."