Next Christmas, let’s all buy cheap and stupid gifts

There are so many things to love about Christmastime — free treats on the office dining table, sitting by a roaring fire, days off and spending time with family and friends you too rarely see to name a few.

But there are some things I don’t particularly like about this time of year — the pounds I put on from those free treats at the office table, working while other people have a day off, and roaring by the fire with that fake news-spouting uncle you now remember why you so rarely see to name a few.

One of the things I dread most, though, is the pressure of gift-giving. Note, that’s very different from the joy of giving to those in need. I get joy from leaving extra tips for hard-working waitresses and unappreciated newspaper carriers, helping Santa deliver present to kids whose parents thought he might not come through and donating to various charity efforts. That kind of giving, of course, is something we should all do throughout the year. I also am happy to see loved ones open a gift that they truly needed or appreciate.

However, I find little joy in obligation giving to those who are not in need or who seem to already have plenty. Some people just don’t need more stuff. And no one needs anything that when put on sale might cause a stampede and trampling at the store. Christmas in America seems to have devolved into a celebration of materialism.

I’m one of those folks who has enough stuff. I’m not rich by any stretch of the imagination, and I’ll want a few more things over time. But I’d rather get them myself. There may be joy in giving, but I don’t find much joy in receiving. I’ve been grateful for the many things people have given me through the years, but y’all can stop now. I’m good.

Like a lot of folks, members of my extended family on both my mother’s and father’s sides have taken to the “white elephant” gift exchange, where everyone brings a wrapped gift and folks proceed to either pick a gift from under the tree or steal someone else’s. We’ve put a limit of $5 on these gifts, which means you’re probably not going home with anything nice. And that’s the whole idea. It’s all about getting together. It’s about presence, not presents.

Christmas is for kids, but even some of that giving has gotten out of hand. I think Santa Claus has gotten tired and lazy and thinks he just needs to hit a certain dollar amount per household rather than giving thoughtful gifts that make children happy but also grateful and unselfish. Sometimes when Santa overdoes it, he creates selfish kids who turn into selfish adults who would not be happy with getting some stupid coconut head at one of my family get-togethers.

So, I propose we try something a little different for Christmas next year for the whole country. Everyone in America over the age of 13 should meet somewhere centrally located, maybe Peoria, and bring a wrapped gift worth no more than $5. We’ll cut 285 million numbers into little piece of paper and have a big drawing for who picks a gift first. And, remember, once a gift is stolen twice, it can’t be stolen anymore. Without rules, America’s white elephant Christmas could get out of hand.

Oh, and everyone bring a covered dish. Put me down for meatballs.

This story was originally published December 19, 2016 at 12:47 PM with the headline "Next Christmas, let’s all buy cheap and stupid gifts."