2017: The year in preview
The year 2016 will be remembered as the year we elected a TV game show host as president of the United States. I think folks are overreacting to this development myself, and I firmly believe that Alex Trebek will make an outstanding leader of the free world.
What? It wasn’t Trebek? Sajak? No? What do you mean Trump? Donald Trump? The Tweeter? Great. Looks like I’ve been duped by fake news once again. Next thing you’ll try to tell me is fake is that the D.C. pizza restaurant with the child sex ring in the basement doesn’t really have free delivery on Tuesdays.
Obviously, though, fake news is a concern, especially when the real news is so ridiculous that you think it must be fake. What you need is a source you can trust.
And that’s what you’ve got right here with my annual year in preview, proven to be 99.9% accurate through the years by the same three scientists — Earl, Gladys and Jim Bob — who don’t believe in climate change (or gravity).
With that in mind, here is your exclusive preview of the year 2017:
JANUARY
▪ Donald Trump is inaugurated as our nation’s 45th president, sworn in while placing his hand upon a genuine, historic, leather-bound copy of “The Art of the Deal.”
▪ University of Alabama head football coach Nick Saban brutally assaults 14 Crimson Tide starters for giving what he considered a mere 107 percent effort in a lackluster 84-7 win over Ohio State — excuse me, THE Ohio State University — in THE national championship. Saban then smashes THE national championship trophy over THE head of offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin as a going-away gift.
▪ Frustrated by more rebuffs of his “religious liberty” agenda, State Sen. Josh McKoon instead files a “very necessary” bill banning male ladybugs and female granddaddy longlegs spiders from using any bathrooms in Georgia.
FEBRUARY
▪ The Houston Texans defeat the Dallas Cowboys 35-14 in Super Bowl LI. The so-called “Battle of Texas” is somewhat marred when Lady Gaga shows up for her halftime performance in a meat dress and is immediately barbecued.
▪ After complaints of a lack of diversity at the 2016 Oscars, the Academy makes up for it by awarding the Best Actor and Best Actress Oscars to Tyler Perry for “Boo! A Madea Halloween.”
▪ The Houston Texans are stripped of their Super Bowl title when it is discovered that the team secretly replaced its players with the roster from the University of Alabama, giving them an unfair advantage.
MARCH
▪ Still reeling from their presidential election loss, Democrats meet in New York City to come up with a new slogan — “How bout you young folks, you know, like, vote or something.”
▪ The Georgia General Assembly, expressing great concern for folks who might have gambling addictions, bans online fantasy sports sites from operating in the state.
▪ The Georgia General Assembly, expressing great concern for the lobbyists from Harrah’s, passes a measure paving the way for casinos in Georgia.
APRIL
▪ The Atlanta Braves play their first regular season game at Cobb County’s new SunTrust Park, beating the San Diego Padres 8-7 on a three-run homer by 83-year-old Hank Aaron, recently signed to provide veteran leadership. In a new tradition, fans rise during the seventh-inning stretch to sing Ted Nugent’s “Wango Tango” and recite the Republican Party platform.
▪ North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un announces that — because of Trump — he will end his country’s nuclear weapons program. Kim says that he has been much happier since Trump took office because no one makes fun of his hair anymore.
▪ New EPA Director Scott Pruitt visits Flint, Mich., to hand our forks so that residents can consume their water. He says the brown water demonstrates the administration’s commitment to diversity.
MAY
▪ Pressed by reporters to update the public on his 100-day plan of action, Trump tweets: “Don’t trust lyin media. Still have 100 day plan. Never said 100 days were in a row. #Day2”
▪ Apple rolls out its new iPhone 8 a few months early, noting that the only thing different about the phone is its name. Millions of Americans line up to purchase the new iPhone 8 for $799.
▪ Democratic lawmakers launch initiative to rename elections “iElections” to encourage future turnout.
JUNE
▪ The Atlanta Braves, complaining that SunTrust Park is now 3 months old and obsolete, announce plans to build a new stadium on sacred Cherokee grounds in North Georgia.
▪ The Trump administration finally gets around to repealing and replacing Obamacare with the new, more affordable Don’t Get Sick Plan.
▪ The Rolling Stones launch a 20-stop Bingo and Applesauce Tour.
JULY
▪ Puerto Rican children setting off bottle rockets to celebrate the Fourth of July are nuked by President Trump, who tweets: “Hey, I see foreign country launch missiles, I fire back. No more weak leadership. #MeStrong”
▪ Nameberry releases its annual list of most popular baby names and adds list of least popular baby names — topped by Skeeter for boys and Zika for girls.
▪ Energy Secretary Rick Perry goes missing for three weeks after forgetting which building he works in.
AUGUST
▪ The United Nations finally makes itself relevant again by voting to give the country Chad a surname. It will henceforth be known as Chad Yoder.
▪ At the Little League World Series, the team from Marietta, Ga., loses the World Championship game 12-2 to the kids from Sushiyama, Japan. Two weeks later, the suspiciously tall team from Marietta is stripped of its U.S. Championship when it is learned the team is actually Atlanta Braves players in disguise.
▪ The actual Marietta Little Leaguers, disguised as Atlanta Braves, win their 12th straight game to take over the National League East lead.
SEPTEMBER
▪ Russian President Vladimir Putin arrives at White House for state dinner, Syria discussions with President Trump and BFF couple’s massage.
▪ In an effort to provide Americans with healthier dining options, McDonald’s launches its new Eat Somewhere Else Menu.
▪ Tiger Woods’ successful PGA comeback ends when he is shot in the leg with a bow and arrow by a Minnesota dentist.
OCTOBER
▪ Martin Shkreli teams up with Mylan to launch the new drug Placebo, which targets numerous ailments with zero side effects. Placebo is priced at $275 a pill but is not covered by the Don’t Get Sick Plan.
▪ The Trump administration deports 11 million illegal immigrants, then breaks ground on massive wall on southern border of United States to prevent them from sneaking back in.
▪ The Trump administration re-imports 10.9 million immigrants to build the wall when Americans refuse to do the hard work for low wages.
NOVEMBER
▪ In his annual quest to disprove climate change by making a snowball, Sen. Jim Inhofe of Oklahoma is forced to climb to the top of Mount Everest to find enough snow to make one. He is frozen to death in the middle of telling a camera, “See, I told you ...”
▪ The American Music Awards air with a new rule requiring all performers and winners to wear name tags so that people over the age of 35 will know who they are.
▪ NASCAR’s Sprint Cup Championship is won by a self-driving Toyota Corolla in a huge controversy as the driverless Corolla nudges Carl Edwards into the wall on the final lap at Homestead.
DECEMBER
▪ The Baby Jesus is reported missing from nativity scenes across the nation. Two weeks later, 37,000 Baby Jesuses are discovered on the other side of the Mexican border. Trump’s Immigration Chief, Dog the Bounty Hunter, explains, “No little brown undocumented children from the Middle East are gonna be born into this country!”
▪ Ernest Snodgrass of Tinville, Ky., is arrested and severely beaten for saying “Merry Christmas” after it is discovered that President Trump forgot to sign the executive order rescinding President Obama’s eight-year ban on the phrase.
▪ President Trump and his Cabinet, including Secretary of Mental Health Kanye West, celebrate a successful first year with a Christmas dinner of figgy pudding, cranberry sauce, cornbread dressing and the world’s last elephant.
Connect with Chris Johnson at kudzukid.com.
This story was originally published December 26, 2016 at 12:50 PM with the headline "2017: The year in preview."