POSSUM HOLLER, Ga. — Old Man Winter boarded that glorious boat crossing the the river Jordan on Sunday, dying after an extended illness. He was 4.35 billion years old.
The exact cause of death is debatable — we’re not sure why, but it’s debated a lot — though heat stroke is suspected.
Old Man Winter was preceded in death by one child, Frosty the Snowman, and his third cousin on his mama’s side, Jack Frost, who was shot and killed last year after nipping at Ted Nugent’s nose.
He is survived by a daughter, the Great Pumpkin (who knew?!); one nephew, the Easter Bunny; and a “special friend,” Mr. Sun from those Jimmy Dean sausage commercials.
Old Man Winter was raised by Ethel and Herman Tunnamanoor, who found him on the steps of their tenant farmer shack a mere 4.35 billion years ago. Though raised a simple Southern boy, Old Man Winter would grow to become an active community servant and would change the world as we know it.
Mr. Winter attended Possum Holler Extremely Primitive Baptist Church, rose to the level of Pterodactyl Scout and helped Herman milk mammoths on their small dairy farm while Ethel took care of the house in addition to earning extra money creating cave paintings advertising special offers on the wheel.
After high school, Mr. Winter was drafted into a militant wing of the Webelos before opening the world’s first frozen yogurt eatery. Later, he was elected to Congress with the slogan “Old Man ... New Ideas.” One of those ideas was to increase the seasons from just three to four. The fourth season was named Winter in his honor, though he would be forced to resign amid never-proven allegations that he accepted bribes from a snowmobile manufacturer and the makers of Robitussin.
Upon leaving political office, Mr. Winter focused on community service and is widely known for creating the Winter Olympics to give important athletic events like curling their due.
In his spare time, Mr. Winter enjoyed competing in an adult freeze tag league and playing the vibes with his smooth jazz group, Polar Vortex. He also was a prolific songwriter, penning such hits as Tone Loc’s “Funky Cold Medina” and Bruce Springsteen’s “Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out.” He spent many days volunteering with a polar bear refuge and calling bingo games at the Moose Lodge.
The Winter family would like to express their appreciation to the few who made a little time for Old Man Winter in his declining years — especially Siberia, Antarctica and the Yukon Territory — as he began to suffer from depression with fewer and fewer giving him any time.
There will be a celebration of life at 7 p.m. Saturday at the Saskatoonituk Unitarian Universalist Church with ice cream, frozen margaritas and a special performance by Vanilla Ice and Chili from TLC.
In lieu of flowers, the Winter family has requested that donations be made in Old Man Winter’s memory to the National Resources Defense Council, the Sierra Club or the National Science Foundation.
Connect with Chris Johnson at kudzukid.com.