An ode to the smartphone and the power to change its accent

Every now and then, I discover some interesting new feature about my smartphone. Did you know that you can use it to call and talk to people? I know, right! That would come in so handy if I ever wanted to talk to another human being on the phone. You never know — that day could possibly come.

As much as I once resisted getting a smartphone a few years ago and as much as I enjoy hiding it in a drawer during a seven-day cruise as I am doing this week, I must admit that I’ve found it quite handy on occasion. I don’t bury my face in it 24/7 like almost every other human under the age of 30, but it can be useful when it doesn’t dominate your life.

When severe weather strikes, I can use my phone to check the radar and find out exactly when I need to run out into the front yard to look for funnel clouds while my wife hides in a closet with her cat.

With free apps, I can experience the highest levels of sporting achievements with the flick of a finger to hit home runs, shoot 3-pointers and kick field goals. I’m a true multi-sport hero, just like Deion Sanders and Bo Jackson — neither of whom ever kicked a field goal, by the way, which puts my talent a notch above theirs.

I could Tweet if I wanted to, can share fake news on Facebook, find the best Armenian chicken wings in Hatchechubbee, buy tickets to that sold-out David Allan Coe performance with the Cusseta Symphony Orchestra and even keep score and track my yardage from the hole on the golf course.

“Hmm, 150 yards? Lemme try my 7-iron. Wow, I think I just killed a bluejay! OK, that’ll be a birdie. I’m 1-under! Next hole.”

But perhaps the feature I like best on the phone is the “Hey, Siri!” one. You just yell “Hey, Siri!” and the phone responds, “What now, idiot?” (I’ve had this phone a little too long and am way overdue for an upgrade.)

What I did not know until yesterday, however, is that you can change Siri’s accent, language and even her gender — well, except in North Carolina, where you must keep Siri’s gender the same as originally came with your phone.

I like being able to ask Siri a game’s starting time, today’s weather or popular bluejay recipes, but I’ve grown tired of that same ol’ American voice. I’d change Siri to a male voice, but I fear that a male Siri’s directions would always be wrong and that he would be too simple with his answers.

“Hey, Siri! What’s the weather gonna be today?”

“Lookin’ like a gully-washer.”

So, Siri will always be a lady on my phone. But I’d really like an app that would give her a sultry Southern accent or have her sing all her responses in Norah Jones’ voice. Alas, my only options right now are American, British and Australian accents. For now, I’ve changed her to British, so even when she says something stupid, she sounds smart while doing it.

Maybe that would help me, too. Right now, though, I’m just too bloody knackered to get bogged down in any kerfuffle over which accent is the bee’s knees. Cheerio, mates!

This story was originally published April 18, 2017 at 11:36 AM with the headline "An ode to the smartphone and the power to change its accent."