Georgia college students will be gunning for better grades

As you may know, Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal — who was supported in his 2014 bid for re-election by more than $600,000 in campaign ads by the National Rifle Association — last week signed the so-called Campus Carry Bill into law.

I, for one, am thrilled by Gov. Deal’s support for extending our Second Amendment rights into the college classroom. If there’s anything I wish I could have carried in my backpack from class to class besides my trusty plastic bottle of Mr. Boston’s it’s a well-regulated militia.

What’s that? Oh, it means you can carry guns? Only if you’ve got a conceal-carry permit, though, right? Good. Thank goodness no crazy folks can get a gun permit. What’s that? Oh, they can now? Great. What could go wrong?

Most college presidents, professors, students, janitors and campus squirrels have come out against this measure, but you can’t trust such issues to highly educated, intellectual types who think they know everything just because they’re armed with facts and reasoning power. Sorry, but this is the new America where ignorant is the new smart, and it’s a lot cooler to arm yourself with guns as you can see here:

“Hey, my fellow student with the gun rack in the back of that gas-guzzling monster truck with the Confederate battle flag in the back, did you know that sea levels have risen about 8 inches since 1880, and that rate is increasing thanks to trucks like yours?”

“Why, no, I didn’t, but did you know this here .454 Casull will blow a foot-wide hole in your Nissan Leaf? Same for your backside!”

There are an awful lot of caveats to the law, which takes effect on July 1. For instance, you won’t be able to tote your gun to a Georgia-Georgia Tech football game, which is a good thing because it’s a whole lot easier to shoot a Bulldog than a Yellow Jacket.

But you will be able to pack heat in most college classrooms. I think this will significantly impact academic performance myself.

Professor: It’s obvious from this thesis that you didn’t even read “Ulysses,” much less grasp the parallels between this and Homer’s work.

Jimmy Earl: Naw, but I can grasp this here .44 Magnum, and I read Ted Nugent’s “God, Guns & Rock’N’Roll” and I reckon that’s close enough.

Professor: Excellent point! You get an A! And I’ve got to change my pants.

This also could cause local newspapers to have to add a few more pages because those dean’s lists are about to get a whole lot longer:

“Hey, Tammy Lou made the Dean’s List again! And her high school teacher said she couldn’t even read good! Done showed her!”

I’m sure at some point, somewhere, somehow, a terrible incident on a campus will be averted thanks to someone packing heat. Of course, that’ll be the exception to the rule and will be like the one unusually cool day that causes climate change deniers to ignore a record-hot year and say, “See, told you there ain’t no global warming!”

It’s out of our hands now. I’m just glad I’m out of college now. It’s not that I would be so worried about my fellow students, but I can think of at least 20 college professors who would have seized the opportunity to take a shot at me.

I were a professor, I’d have dang sure done it.

This story was originally published May 8, 2017 at 4:08 PM with the headline "Georgia college students will be gunning for better grades."