Only the sounds I want to hear? OK, I’m listening

I know that by the time I hit old age, there are a few things I'll hate to admit I need but most definitely will require — like bifocals, cholesterol-lowering tequila and a brain transplant. Oh, and probably hearing aids.

Granted, there are times today I wish my hearing would go away. I don't need to hear a hotel room's air-conditioner rattle. I hate today's rap music. And while I do appreciate the approximately 60 seconds a day that CNN and Fox News now dedicate to actual news, I can do without the arguing and political punditry into which they've devolved the rest of the time.

“I'm CNN's Jake Tapper, and if you enjoyed that arguing by our blatantly and predictably partisan guests about what Trump tweeted today, stay tuned for more blatantly partisan guests arguing over the same topic on Wolf Blitzer, followed by more arguing over the same topic after that on Erin Burnett. Afterward, Anderson Cooper will have the same topic and same arguing, with some final arguing on the same topic later with Don Lemon. If we run out of political pundits, we'll recycle a few. If you need actual news, I suggest checking the Associated Press app on your phone.”

Recently, while switching TV channels in a desperate search for actual news, I saw an ad for a hearing aid in which the announcer said, “Hear only the sounds you want to hear!”

Whoa! Did I hear that right? Hmm, the simple fact that I have to ask myself that question lends me to believe I just might need one of those hearing aids. I would love to hear only the sounds I want to hear.

I'm not exactly sure how that hearing aid might work, but I hope it's advanced enough that when a teenager pulls up next to me blaring repetitive rap that my fancy hearing aid will allow me to hear Norah Jones instead.

When the hillbillies near my neighborhood are riding their ATVs and practicing firing their assault rifles in case some dem libtards take over the gubment, I'd like to tune that out so that I can again hear the birds in my backyard. Although, if I hear, “Oh no! I just crashed my four-wheeler and shot off my big toe!” that'll be OK.

I want to be able to turn to a cable news network and hear — oh, I dunno — maybe some news.

I don't want to hear leaf-blowers, ringtones (including mine), doorbells, dogs barking, cats meowing, horns honking, motorcycles going 100 mph, sonic booms, loud car commercials, quiet car commercials, those annoying jingles made by our washing machine and dryer (a feature that probably cost us hundreds of dollars), vacuum cleaners, kids whining or a car alarm. Really, when was the last time you heard a car alarm and thought, “Oh no! Someone is stealing a car!”

I wouldn't mind hearing some steel drums, ocean waves, a frozen margarita being blended, wind blowing through the trees, rain and thunder, bacon frying, a marching band on a high school football Friday night and, of course, an announcer saying, “Congratulations to the 2018 Super Bowl Champion Atlanta Falcons.”

I don't know which is more realistic — a hearing aid that can accomplish all of that or the Falcons winning it all. I'll take either one.

This story was originally published May 15, 2017 at 5:46 PM with the headline "Only the sounds I want to hear? OK, I’m listening."