Tax reform has forced me to consider new options

Whether you're a Democrat, a Republican, a Libertarian or a Webelo, I think we can all agree that America's current tax system is way too complicated. So, the general concept of reforming and improving our tax code is a good idea.

The devil, as they say, is in the details. And the tax reform package passed by the Senate last week has an awful lot of details and more than a few devils, including where Satan himself penned illegible amendments on the outside margins.

There are some crumbs here and there for the middle class — all 27 remaining members of it. The majority of the cake, as usual, goes to those who can afford to buy such things as yachts, private jets, beach homes and congressmen — or as the Koch brothers would call them, life's basic necessities.

I've run all sorts of calculators to find out how my family might fare under the new tax reform package, and I'm not too worried about myself personally. The latest tax calculator I found on Facebook was created by the same folks who create those “Which Star Wars Character Are You?” quizzes and click-bait. I simply typed in my annual income, my usual deductions and my filing status. When I hit the “submit” button, it said, “You are Obi-Wan Kenobi.”

That may not be a good thing because I'm pretty sure Obi-Wan is on Medicare, and that's one of the many programs that soon will be the target of cutting in order to help offset that massive deficits to be caused by this reform package. Corporate welfare and tax breaks for the top 1 percent is a costly proposition. Who knew it was so complicated?

We still don't know what's going to come out of the House and Senate conference committees hashing out the differences in the two bills. For instance, the House version is really good to billionaires, while the Senate version is really, really good to billionaires. We're going to have to bridge that gap.

Either way, this is a wonderful time to be a billionaire in America. That's why I have decided that I, too, am going to become a billionaire. Yes, I'm switching my economic affiliation from thousandaire to billionaire — skipping right over millionaire because ain't nobody got time for that.

I assure you that just because I've decided to become a billionaire, I'm not changing who I am. I'll still drive a pickup truck, only a slightly nicer one with cooler magnets on the tailgate. I'll still wear inexpensive clothes and consider tank tops and flip-flops to be formal wear. I will still choose either HBO or Showtime but not both. My iPhone will still have a crack in the screen. And I'll still won't be able to purchase the medications I need, settling for pills that instead are almost good enough. After all, I'm merely going to be a billionaire, not a multibillionaire.

I've opened up a bank account in the Cayman Islands. It's the only account there with a current balance of $27.50. I suspect that will change any day now.

Oh, and to help facilitate that change, my new name is Christopher Bezos Walton Gates-Buffett IV Jr. Today, a lot of folks call me “CJ” for short, and I realize my new name is a mouthful, so feel free to call me by my initials “CBWG-B” for short.

This story was originally published December 4, 2017 at 5:32 PM with the headline "Tax reform has forced me to consider new options."