Column: How on God’s flat Earth are these still things?

There are more than a few things that boggle my mind about people today. But a couple stood out to me recently.

Yesterday, I was standing in aisle 7 of the grocery store in deep thought as I pondered which marinade to use before grilling my chicken thighs. I was feeling kinda Caribbean jerk-ish, but teriyaki was a strong contender. Wait! What’s this? Hawaiian? Hmm.

“Are you crazy?!” That was the extremely loud question from a lady walking up the aisle as she stared directly at me. “You can’t do that!”

I looked around, and there was no other person nearby. Granted, I am a little crazy, but I have every right to try a sauce other than barbecue once in a while.

The lady kept ranting, loudly, and then proceeded to walk right past me while still ranting. Then I saw it — one of those Bluetooth earpiece thingamajiggies for people who love talking on the phone so much that they must feel it upon their ear 24/7.

I loathe talking on the phone. If you go through the calls on my cell phone bill, there are a few really long conversations — like 2 and 3 minutes — but the vast majority are of the 1-minute variety. And I don’t answer half the calls that come to my phone, especially if I don’t recognize the number. The last thing I want to do is have a phone constantly attached to my ear so that I never miss the excitement of a phone conversation.

I was caught off-guard many times when these first came out and folks spoke loudly and waved their arms to no one in particular as they walked through stores and along sidewalks. But I thought folks had given up on these things and left the aimless ranting and arm-waving to the folks who preached that the end of the world was near. And, let’s face it, the end of the world is closer today than it was yesterday and will be even closer tomorrow. Why do we need to have loud debates about that?

Speaking of the end of the world, which will end — the round Earth or the flat Earth? And, yes, that’s the other thing that I’m surprised is still a thing. In fact, the amount of folks thinking the Earth is flat seems to actually be growing now that is has become more acceptable to disagree with facts.

I could head over to theflatearthsociety.org — and, yes, that’s a real website — and get some of my questions answered, such as:

What is the edge of the flat Earth like? Will I fall off if I get too close to the edge? Is the moon also flat? What is on the bottom side of the Earth, and is that where they film reality TV shows?

I think there are some debates that can be had about science and such. For instance, I was taught for years that the sun (around which we allegedly revolve) is 93 million miles from Earth. I, however, have a theory that it’s actually 92,999,999 miles from Earth. Granted, I don’t have a tape measure that long — I’m just kind of eyeballing it.

But the flat Earth theory is ridiculous. Clearly, the Earth is cylindrical, like a can of Coca-Cola. No, make that Diet Dr. Pepper.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go outside and ponder this as I shoot some hoops with my square basketball.

Order Chris Johnson’s latest book “Wastin’ Away Again on Margaritahill” at KudzuKid.com.

This story was originally published December 11, 2017 at 9:05 PM with the headline "Column: How on God’s flat Earth are these still things?."