Column: Gotta change my ways or meat my doom

It seemed like all the stars were aligning as 2018 began.

First, the finishing touches were being added to my favorite butcher and seasoning shop that is set to open soon.

Then a restaurant I don’t even usually like began offering all-you-can-eat chicken tenders and ribs. And all-you-can-eat is my all-time favorite four-hyphenated-words term, well ahead of sorta-Kanye-West-ish.

On top of that, one of my Christmas gifts was a gift box of meat.

Then the White House doctor revealed that our president is in excellent health. This means that KFC and McDonald’s may be the only two food groups we need in the nutritional pyramid.

Unfortunately, I obviously don’t burn cholesterol, fat and triglycerides as easily as our president, which I believe means that I should play more golf and ride the cart when I do. That’s obviously the secret to a sleek body and stable mind.

However, others don’t buy my theory that record-setting time on the golf course is the key to great health. These people believe that I should cut back on the amount of meat — particularly red meat — that I consume.

As a grillmaster, that’s a harsh order. One of my favorite places on the planet is the covered grilling pad and three-stool bar in my backyard. It’s just not going to be the same if I’m out there grilling eggplant. You can’t drink a margarita and watch the game while flipping eggplant. And who came up with the idea of mating eggs with plants anyway to make that weird hybrid? It certainly didn’t work out as well as mating cats with fish — and I can tell you that catfish on the grill is way better than eggplant, although not quite as good as a 12-ounce ribeye.

I’ve always insisted that a steak is the same thing as a salad since cows eat green stuff all day long. A steak is just a tastier way to get those greens into my system. Unfortunately for me, my wife, every scientist and all the world’s doctors (except Mr. Trump’s) disagree with me and believe I should cut my consumption of meat way back.

So I have. In fact, I’ve yet to consume a single ounce of red meat in 2018. I have, however, consumed more than my share of fake meat. It’s like fake news except that the meat I’m consuming really is fake.

I’ve had fake burgers, fake chicken patties, fake fish and fake ground beef. I don’t know what the fake burgers, chicken and fish are made of, but the fake ground beef is the same rubber mulch they use on kids’ playgrounds. I wouldn’t suggest eating either one.

I’ve also incorporated something called vegetables into my diet. These are apparently found on steakhouse menus somewhere after I quit reading the potato-based sides. Who knew?

Fortunately, fruits have long been a staple of my diet — mainly in the form of lime juice. My personal physician, Dr. Jimmy Buffett, has had me on a lime juice regimen since I was in college.

The worst thing about all this meat-avoidance is that it’s working, which means I’m going to have to keep doing it throughout the year. I’m feeling better, losing weight and am almost a stable genius.

Oh, and now when I pass a field of cows, they all say “whew” instead of “moo.”

This story was originally published January 15, 2018 at 7:02 PM with the headline "Column: Gotta change my ways or meat my doom."