Chris Johnson

It's hard to out-conservative these Georgia boys

I've already cast my ballot this primary season in Georgia. I like early voting because, just as I said last week, I kinda like my elbow room. In fact, if it were up to me, we'd have a holiday where everyone could vote, an early voting period before that and a week before that when only I am allowed to vote.

Still, the fact that my vote is in the books — #Buffett2018 — does not mean that I'm not witnessing this mad dash to the primary vote one week from today in which Georgia's gubernatorial candidates are trying to outflank each other on the right with ridiculous commercials and social media stands about how “conservative” they are. And they'll just have to double-down on all of it as they likely head into a July 24 runoff before having to walk it all back before the general election, in which they'll run against someone named Stacey.

All these gubernatorial candidates had their final debate hosted by the Cobb County I'm Not Racist, But … Coalition last night. I got my hands on this transcript:

Brian Kemp: If you've seen my latest commercial, you know I'm so conservative. In my next ad, I won't just point this here gun at a teenager — I'll pull the trigger!

Casey Cagle: Well, I'm so conservative that I sleep with this here life-sized cardboard cutout of our dear leader, President Trump. Look, you can see the lipstick prints on the face where I've been kissing it. Brian, take that gun out of your mouth!

Hunter Hill: Hey, y'all, watch me run through these here tires!

Clay Tippins: How does that make you so conservative?

Hill: I took 'em off that truck Brian uses to round up brown people.

Kemp: The Chevy with the rebel flag across the back window?

Hill: Yep!

Kemp: Ha ha! That's Casey's. Mine's a Ford F-350, an extremely conservative truck with a rebel flag in the back and a gun rack. It also spews thick black smoke.

Michael Williams: Cool! Climate is a hoax.

Cagle: You mean climate change is a hoax.

Williams: No, I mean climate. All science. Math, too. That's why I'll cut taxes until we become the next Kansas or Oklahoma.

Hill: Whatever. Hey, y'all watch me climb over this wall!

Moderator: Wait! That's a window! Oopsies. Remind me to have this debate on a lower floor next time.

Williams: Casey, why are there lipstick imprints on the backside of that Trump cutout?

Kemp: Yeah, that's kinda homo sapien. Speaking of homo sapiens, I'll not only sign that religious liberty bill, but I'll ban Elton John from Georgia in the name of Jesus.

Someone named Stacey: You mean the Jesus who abhorred greed and the hoarding of wealth and told us to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, help the poor, welcome refugees and turn the other cheek?

Kemp: No, the Republican Jesus. By the way, Casey, you should turn to the other cheek on the backside of that cutout. The right cheek has too much lipstick on it. Wait, what are you doing now?

Cagle: I'm inflating my Trump blowup doll. It's yuge!

Kemp: POW! Not anymore.

Josh McKoon: Well, I'm so conservative ....

Kemp: Whoa, dude, you're running for secretary of state, not governor!

McKoon: So? I'm so conservative that I'm going to smash this here voting machine to bits with this prosthetic leg I took from an abortion doctor who came here illegally from Guatemala 40 years ago. Smash! Josh Smash!

Tippins: Um, Josh, you know that's a toaster, right?

McKoon: Josh Smash! Josh Smash!

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