Patriotic songs need updates to reflect today’s America

Just because America has growing income inequality, insane college debt, a broken health-care system and is becoming whatever system you get when oligarchy and corporatocracy collide is no reason to do away with great patriotic tunes.

However, while the tunes need to stay, the lyrics might need a little updating to reflect today’s America.

Back in the fall I suggested we at least consider taking a second look at our national anthem, and was buried by an avalanche of offended snowflakes. Let’s see if I learned my lesson.

The first lines of “The Star-Spangled Banner” should be changed to “Oh say can you see/No because I can’t get vision insurance and my eyeglass prescription is way out of date.” Actually, that’s kind of hard to sing along with that tune, so let’s take a look at some other patriotic songs, shall we? Feel free to sing along, and be sure to send the new words to the president so he can begin practicing his lip-synching.

My Country Tis of Thee

My country tis of thee/Sweet corporatocracy/of thee I sing/Land where my father died/When his insurer denied/a needed ambulance ride/Let freedom sting.

America the Beautiful

O beautiful, somewhat smoggy skies/Regulations were a pain/For purple is our water now/Environment’s goin’ down the drain

Oh Scott Pruitt, Oh Scott Pruitt/We see no grace from thee/Repeal Obama himself you would/If there were a way you could/Next you’ll probably ban all trees.

Yankee Doodle

Yankee Doodle went to town/in a gas-guzzling SUV/Put unleaded in his tank/then filed for bankruptcy.

Yankee Doodle, don’t give up/Yankee Doodle Dandy/Yankee Doodle, it might be tough/a second job might come in handy.

Born in the USA

I was born in the USA/From mom’s arms I was torn in the USA/They said she wasn’t born in the USA/Now I’m an 8-year-old lost in the USA.

You’re a Grand Old Flag

You’re a grand ol’ flag/the Confederate battle flag/It’s great to see you wave again/You were down in the dumps/But thanks to Mr. Trump/Racism is acceptable again.

God Bless America

God bless America/Land ruled by cash/Bought a congressman/And a senator/Now I write all the bills that they pass.

From Big Pharma/To Big Bankers/Oil companies/And student loans/God bless America/The land I own/God bless America/I foreclosed on your home.

God Bless the USA

And it’s hard to be an American/Where health care isn’t free/And I won’t forget the folks who’ve died/By white guys’ AR-15s/And I’d gladly stand up next to you/If I hadn’t lost that limb/’Cause there ain’t no doubt it’d still be there/If I could afford some insulin.

Of course, it’s an election year here in Georgia, so perhaps we throw in a favorite state song:

Georgia on my Mind

Georgia, Georgia/Will this election ever be through/All of these candidates/Have clearly lost their minds.

Connect with Chris Johnson at KudzuKid.com.

This story was originally published June 11, 2018 at 2:03 PM with the headline "Patriotic songs need updates to reflect today’s America."