Always give the crowd your greatest hits
If I were Jimmy Buffett, I don’t know if I could bear to perform the song “Margaritaville” for the 1,567th time. But when you’re a big star packing huge arenas, you’ve got to give them the greatest hits that they came to hear.
And now that President Trump is adding a few more rallies to his fall calendar as the midterm elections draw closer, expect to hear a lot of his greatest hits. The man has more greatest hits than Elton John.
In fact, I just got my hands on a transcript of Trump’s next rally speech, and it’s packed with his greatest hits. It was captured via a top-secret CIA listening device planted in the future by someone named Q, who posted this to a secret thread on a Jimmy Buffett fan discussion board. He also sent me a cool Q shirt:
“Hello, my fellow Americans! What a crowd we have here in, um, (Hey, Kellyanne, what podunk town are we in now? What? Crooked Hillary? Oh) here in Clinton, South Carolina. There must be 250,000 people here at the Clinton High School Gym. Of course, those folks in the back, the enemy of the people, FAKE NEWS, will say it was just a dozen folks. (Boooo!)
But we can count for ourselves, right? Even my underducated. Love ya, mean it! What a diverse crowd, too! Where are my African-Americans? Oh, there you are, James.
Folks, we have made America great again. But we can’t focus on the past — although did you notice how they said we couldn’t get to 270? We got 306. Anyway, we’re going to Make America Great Again Again in 2020. Who are the Dems gonna run? Pocahontas? They can’t run her because folks can’t get tickets to get into her rallies. You know why? All the scalpers! Ha!
You won’t hear this from those FAKE NEWS bozos back there (Boooo!) but our trade deficit in the second quarter shrunk by $52 billion. (Sir, it was actually $22 billion.) Actually it was more like $200 billion. (Applause) Now that I think about it, it was like 100 quintagazillion. (Wild applause!)
And we created a new branch of the armed forces. What’s it called, everybody? (SPACE FORCE!) Yep, right up there with the Army, Navy, Cub Scouts and Brownies. In fact, Space Force has already blown up Pluto, something the Obama administration didn’t have the guts to do. Years ago, we had nine planets. Now, there’s eight. Why? Space Force. Alex Jones confirmed it! No more Pluto! (USA! USA! USA!)
Recently, they’ve even created a documentary that you won’t see on CNN (CNN sucks! CNN sucks!) about the wonderful place we’ll be in just a few years. (Sir, that’s actually a dystopian drama called “The Handmaid’s Tale.” No, sir, dystopian doesn’t mean you read things backward.)
But they’re too worried about this Russian hoax. Can you believe they think I have a problem with Putin? I have no problem with Putin. Just ask Melania. Sometimes she comes to bed with a whole can of Febreze. That’s what they tell me, anyway. I know her bedroom is somewhere down the hall from me because I can hear CNN from her TV. (CNN sucks! CNN sucks!)
CNN, by the way, is the home of Don Lemonhead, the dumbest guy on TV since “The Apprentice.” (Sir, that was your show.) Did you see him with that loser Lebron James? Opening a school for at-risk kids? Why don’t you just shut up and dribble? (WILD APPLAUSE! Laura Ingraham and four Fox News personalities injure hands clapping.)
Now, before we all stand for the national anthem and proudly sing those words — Oh say can you see, doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo — I’d like to ask the Rev. Franklin Graham to read from my favorite book of the Bible, 2nd Constipations, and then conclude this rally in prayer. And remember, always Be Best! Now, pray us the hell out of this s-hole, reverend.”
“Of course, sir. Praise be.”
This story was originally published August 6, 2018 at 12:32 PM.