Chris Johnson

So now, to be the president all you need to do is just sell a lot of coffee?

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz speaks at the Starbucks annual shareholders meeting in Seattle in this file photo.
Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz speaks at the Starbucks annual shareholders meeting in Seattle in this file photo. AP

You know what this country needs? To get rid of the designated hitter, of course. It also needs more billionaires and multimillionaires in Congress.

I’m being sarcastic, of course. The designated hitter is better than watching a pitcher go up and strike out or almost bunt a runner over.

I don’t know whether you’ve noticed or not, but the folks running the country are pretty rich — including Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, the Koch brothers, Fred Exxon and Glaxo McBoeing Fox III, or GMF as he’s known around Washington.

These are the folks who tell our politicians what to do. Of course, our leading politicians in D.C. also aren’t doing too bad in the bank accounts — the ones in the U.S., Switzerland and Cayman Islands. Our president is a billionaire. Our speaker of the house and Senate leader are multimillionaires. That’s certainly working out well for us … or at least for you folks in the top 1 percent.

Thank goodness we’ve got bartender Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez there now. Not only does she reduce the average wealth of Congress, but when I see their current net worth, I need a drink. “Make that bottom shelf, AOC — I ain’t a congressman! And just put it on my tab. No, put it on McConnell’s tab. Or the Underhills. I saved his life in the war.”

Of course, AOC is one autobiography away from joining the ranks of millionaires in Congress. I’ve written enough columns about my life to fill 27 autobiographies, and I’m still just a thousandaire. Maybe if I had an asteroid named after me like AOC does (that’s a fact), folks would care about what I’ve got to say. I have a pebble on Mars named after me, but it apparently doesn’t help my cause. Maybe I should call my buddy Hank over at NASA.

“Hey, Hank, have they named the moon for anybody yet?”

“No, I think it’s available.”

“I think ‘Chris’ Moon’ has a nice ring to it.”


As I sat on the patio behind my non-mansion last night and gazed at Chris’ Moon — you gotta use it for to catch on — I thought about Howard Schultz. I never really was a “Peanuts” fan, but apparently he made a lot of money at it — so much so that he’s considering funding his way to the White House as an independent in 2020.

What? Oh, that was Charles Schultz who did “Peanuts?” And he’s dead? Good grief! Well, the standards for being a president ain’t what they used to be — he may be eligible.

Oh yeah. Howard is the guy who helped turn Starbucks from a local joint in Seattle to a worldwide phenomenon where people pay too much for overpriced drinks and hog a chair for three hours while they surf the internet on their laptops. Schultz would go on to grow rich, fire people, close hundreds of stores and do such rich people things as buy an NBA franchise, the Seattle SuperSonics, which performed under his leadership somewhere around the level of Trump Steaks.

Now, he’s looking to buy himself a White House. He’s touting his “self-made billionaire” American success story. I think the self-made billionaire is a myth on par with Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster.

If hard work got you billions, we wouldn’t be able to afford most teachers, janitors, police officers, journalists, flight attendants, etc. If you’re worth billions, you likely played the game well, stepped on a few folks and had others do the heavy lifting. Save the “Oh, I worked so hard stuff” for somebody who’ll buy it. It ain’t me. If you’re worth billions, you’re a hoarder of the worst kind. You’ll still be able to afford breakfast tomorrow even if you’re worth just $500 million.

Sorry, Howard, but I’d rather vote for a hard-working thousandaire. Or Bigfoot.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna check out Chris’ Moon. Hmm, must be a New Chris’ Moon tonight. Either that or Howard bought it. I’m sure he feels entitled to do so.

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