Chris Johnson

Yes, Mr. and/or Ms. Congressperson. This hearing is oh so very important ... zzzzzzzz

Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker speaks during a House Judiciary Committee hearing on Capitol Hill on Friday in Washington.
Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker speaks during a House Judiciary Committee hearing on Capitol Hill on Friday in Washington. AP

Whether the Republicans, Democrats or Whigs control Congress, the Congressional hearing is about the most useless part of their job. And since the Whigs haven’t won a seat in literally months now, these hearings are ridiculously one-sided.

These public hearings are all about grandstanding for the cameras and feigning outrage over whichever issue stands to help them politically. Worse yet, it takes them away from the main job of a representative or senator — calling people on the phone to beg for donations or meeting with the lobbyists who write our nation’s laws.

As we saw when they hauled out acting Attorney General Michael Chiklis — The Thing from “The Fantastic 4” — before the House Judiciary Committee last week, these hearings are as useless as ever.

The Democrats would ask pointed questions about the Mueller investigation, and he’d respond — over and over — that he can’t comment on an ongoing investigation.

Then they’d ask a question he could answer, such as “When were you hired?” and he’d dodge it with an answer like, “pepperoni pizza” or “It’s clobberin’ time!” Then the Republicans would get their shot. “Yes, Mr. Thing, I’d like to say that you have a nice, shiny head.”

“Is that a question?”


I got to see some of this two-party stupidity up close and personal last week when I was brought before the House Committee of Token Positions for Representatives Who Can’t Tie Their Own Shoes. You may have missed it because it was broadcast on C-SPAN 8, right after the hog report. Pork prices are up, by the way.

They grilled me from both sides because I loathe our two-party system. They hate me because I’m not a Democrat or Republican and never will be. I vote against one party or the other depending upon who owns them. Here’s the transcript from last week’s hearing:

Mr. Johnson, it says here that you are an admitted Parrothead. Is that true?

Yes, sir.

So, you’re a terrorist? Mr. Cameraman, please zoom in on my face so everyone can see my fake outrage — I’m considering a run for president.

Well, who isn’t?

Who isn’t a terrorist?

No, who isn’t running for president?

And you regularly travel to Margaritaville without a passport?

Actually, it’s Margaritahill — that what I call my grillin’ pad.

Does Jimmy Buffett know you’re using that name?

No, but I expect a cease-and-desist letter any day now.

You’re paying your fair share of taxes on that, right?

Somewhere around the Trump/Kushner level, I imagine

Point of order!

There’s a point to all of this?

No, this is Congress. Stay in your lane, bro

Um, can I go now?

That other committee just let The Thing leave. From the Fantastic 4? Cool! We should get a superhero in here. Someone subpoena Wonder Woman.

You know she’s got a truth lasso, right?

Never mind.

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